Should the Guy Always Pay the Bill for Dates?
Posted by Cap in Even More Ramblings |
Probably opening up a can of worms to a classic debate… but the question popped into my mind again while reading Madame X’s latest posting on the subject at My Open Wallet.
It’s a tough question because it brings up all sorts of issues on equality, feminism, and independence.
Personally, call me old-fashion, but I still have a certain drive to foot the bill when the check comes. My reasoning? It’s mostly because I’m the one begging asking for the night out.
Am I a sucker perfect for targets by “gold diggers?” Probably not, since driving a Honda Civic doesn’t exactly scream baller. And the fact of the matter is, most people should be able to spot a less than genuine intention.
And this goes both ways too, of course. If you’re the guy and you’re paying the bill for silly reasonings, other than simply wanting to treat someone out, it’ll come across as pretty obvious.
At the end, I also believe that the entire thing can be a moot point as long as both party is on the same page when it comes to the matter. As long as there aren’t any strange strings attached, it shouldn’t be an issue whether the guy or the girl pays for the bill — first date or not.
What’s your take?
top photo credit: fortinbras
50 Comments to “Should the Guy Always Pay the Bill for Dates?”
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November 18th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Oh, please let chivalry live forever! Back in the days BM (before marriage, not bowel movement!), the guy always had to pay the check. However, I’d always leave the tip. It’s the guy’s job to be the provider, but there’s no such thing as a free lunch for the girl, either. Not exactly fair, and certainly antifeminist, but it helped me get my hooks into the best mate in a 5-mile radius!
November 18th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
I’m a feminist, and not one to stop an act of chivalry, however, I do tend to ask guys out and then I go with indivudual bills. At least for the first date. After that all bets are off.
November 18th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
I of the same principle with Cap on this. No matter how expensive or inexpensive the place is, if you ask the girl out you should pay for it.
Now, if the girl is/could be offended by that then subtract her portion but you pay the tip and tax and round down her portion.
If it is not asking her out then it’s ok to split the bill unless she hints this is a sort of a date in which case you foot the bill.
Well, I guess my principle is that I want to make her not stress about this at all.
November 18th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
OH HELL NO. Equality extends to everything. You can’t have it both ways. You want equality, then ACT like it.
I’m not saying a guy or girl can’t treat, but never ever expect it.
November 18th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
>> It’s the guy’s job to be the provider
You’ve just set women’s lib 50 years back.
November 18th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
as a female of the species, I say, let’s split the check or establish a policy of trading treating each other.
that’s how I found the best mate within a 4000 mile radius. :)
November 19th, 2008 at 12:59 am
When I was dating, my policy was that I wouldn’t date someone again if they expected me to pay. Period. No exceptions.
Fast forward 10 years and I’m happily married to a great guy who still pays for our dates. I make more money than him, which goes into a joint investment account, but he’s got a more interesting job and takes me traveling with him. I cook for him, he fixes things around the house.
I don’t want “equality” – I want a happy relationship, which is what I have.
November 19th, 2008 at 5:36 am
Max, please don’t start on women’s lib. I’m not a fan of feminism. But that’s not the point of this post. By Biblical definition, men are to be the providers. Hey, I didn’t write the news, I’m just reporting it. Don’t mean to offend.
November 19th, 2008 at 6:19 am
Emily: dont worry about max’s comment too much, he’s half serious most of the time.
November 19th, 2008 at 6:24 am
If you ask someone out, let’s say for a business meeting, who pays? The person who asked the other person out on a business meeting right? Well, dates are business meetings. First you talk about your business, then you get down to business.
Bow chika bow wow.
November 19th, 2008 at 6:25 am
BTW, clever that you used a check from a Vietnamese restaurant. :)
November 19th, 2008 at 7:30 am
I expect to pay my share on a date — Which is why it’s a turn on when a guy offers to pay. :) When it’s a first date, it shows they’re really interested in me romantically, not just as friends. After that, I like taking turns paying. Sure, you could always split the bill, but I think it’s more fun to treat.
November 19th, 2008 at 7:56 am
I think Honda Civics are sexy… ;)
November 19th, 2008 at 8:01 am
I don’t think that the guy should ALWAYS be the one to pay. Whoever makes the date should treat the other person.
I prefer to pay for my own meal and will say so BEFORE we even go out. I have taken my S.O. out numerous times and I paid….other times he paid. We decide before we go out.
No one should ‘expect’ the other person to pay.
November 19th, 2008 at 8:44 am
Since I’m 26, I’m in the midst of getting set up and too many bad first dates. My personal rule of thumb is that whoever asks is who pays. If a guy were to ask me out, I would let him pay. If I were to ask him out, I will be paying. If it turns out to be more than one date, I try to pay every other time. It all evens out, in my mind. If you are counting pennies to keep it all even, its never going to work out in the end anyway. If you click (or eventually fall in love) with someone, you don’t nickle and dime them.
November 19th, 2008 at 10:35 am
A friend’s boyfriend bought the first round of drinks not too long ago. when he was done his drink he looked to me and say “You got the next round?” (His drink and her drink being $6 and $8 and mine only $3 mind you) I said “Well, probably not” and he looked at me and said “What you aren’t going to get me back?”. I was floored. In all my years if a man buys me a drink I have never been expected to buy him one in return… for this guy- chivalry died a long time ago.
November 19th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
I think that the answer is simple. You give what you can. My girlfriend and I slide through life with both of us paying as we see fit. I’m more of an advocate for saving for the future, so she probably spends more money, when it comes to going out. But I foot the bill for the bills, so it kinda evens out. I don’t think that either party should look to the other to always provide some one thing. Like a woman that always cooks and cleans, or a guy that always foots the bill. I think that those days are slowly floating away.
November 19th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
I think it’s sweet if the guy wants to pay, but I would never expect it (and I will always offer to pay my share, or, if I did the asking, offer to treat him). It’s not just about being independent, though that’s a part of it. I don’t want to get into a situation where there are weird expectations or I feel like a jerk because I didn’t find myself that attracted to him and he’s feeling like he didn’t get what he paid for out of the evening.
I would be really uncomfortable always letting a guy pay for everything, because I would worry that he would start feeling like I was a burden or couldn’t afford to pull my own weight.
And to the poster above who apparently expects all guys, including her friend’s boyfriend, to buy her drinks? Grow up! Buying drinks for a girl is a flirting behavior, so of course he wasn’t going to do that when he’s dating your friend! If you’re out with a group of people socially, you should either buy a round now and then or pay for your own. I feel your pain since I’m also usually the one with the cheapest drink, but seriously, your gender doesn’t give you the right to freeload. :(
November 19th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
I agree with the rule that whoever does the inviting should do the paying. I think this goes for more than just dates, but it includes going out with friends, too.
When I first started dating my S.O., he paid for everything. Part of this was because he made more than me – he had a full time job and I was still in college with a part time job. Although nice, it always made me a little uncomfortable and I preferred to pay my share whenever he would let me.
Now I have a full time job too, and we both make a lot more money, (me maybe slightly more than him). I usually am the one suggesting that we go out to eat, so I usually am prepared to pay the bill. I think it’s really disingenuous and presumptuous to suggest or invite someone to dinner (even your S.O.) if you’re not prepared to pay for it. Whenever someone does that to me, I get really ticked off even if I do have the money, so if I don’t have the money to pay for it, I won’t suggest it.
Later on in our relationship, I realized that he had developed some pretty bad habits of spending like not saving, not setting a budget, and using credit cards but not paying them off in full. (He never got in really bad trouble though – he did the “I only spend cash” thing so that helped). Anyways, when I found out about his bad habits, I immediately thought of all the times when he had paid for dates and I felt guilty like maybe if he hadn’t bought me that cheeseburger in 2001, he would be in a better financial position today. It sounds absurd, but that’s really what I was thinking! The point I’m trying to make is that if we had been more open about what we BOTH could and couldn’t afford back in 2001, it would have made it easier for us both later down the road.
So, while I think it’s great to pay for the date (whether your the girl or the guy), just make sure that you can afford it, responsibly, and resist the urge to pay just to “impress”. If it’s meant to be, that person should appreciate the gesture when you are living within your means, whether you buy them a steak dinner or a cheeseburger, or just invite them over to your place for PB&J.
:)
November 19th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Definitely whoever asks for the date should pay. As far as being out at a bar, I love nothing more than to trade buying rounds if I’m having a good conversation with a guy.
That being said, I have a boyfriend now and he always pays when we go out to eat. HOWEVER, we rarely go out to eat, and I pay for all of the groceries when I cook dinner, which is 4-6 nights a week. It works well for us, and we both think it’s fair.
November 19th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
All of this makes me so glad I’m not “out there” any more! What’s wrong with the guy paying if he’s asking… all the time? And my daughter is being raised to wait on the guy to ask. Nothing wrong with holding yourself to a higher standard..if he’s to shy, scared, weak to ask you first is that really what you want in the long run?
November 19th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
I definitely think that there should be equal or at least roughly equal contributions to the date.
Most of the time the guy won’t let me pay for dinner, but then I always make sure I get dessert or coffee or the movie, or whatever else we happen to be doing. I just don’t want misunderstandings or expectations that I owe anything.
I do try to be frugal so for first dates I try to arrange a reasonably priced restaurant. I would be annooyed if he took me somewhere very very expensive and I had a salad and he had a steak and we had to split down the middle.
November 19th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Holy Crap. What century is this?
You ask you pay — whatever you say God says.
November 20th, 2008 at 4:41 am
Recent, I completely agree. Which is why I never ask(ed) for a date. Guy’s job.
November 20th, 2008 at 8:02 am
Kat Says:
“And to the poster above who apparently expects all guys, including her friend’s boyfriend, to buy her drinks? Grow up! Buying drinks for a girl is a flirting behavior, so of course he wasn’t going to do that when he’s dating your friend! If you’re out with a group of people socially, you should either buy a round now and then or pay for your own. I feel your pain since I’m also usually the one with the cheapest drink, but seriously, your gender doesn’t give you the right to freeload. :(”
Thanks for the repremand, mom- but I never said I expect guys to buy me drinks, not even him. He walked in the bar, bought the round and handed it to us. My husband was not with us that night. I forgot to note that I handed him the $3 for my own drink when I declined spending $17 + tip on something that would only cost me $9 + smaller tip. I didn’t drink another drink that night and went home completely sober and pissed off. I always pay for my own drinks unless a man brings me one IN A NON FLIRTING MANNER because we are all friends. My point was the no matter the man- be it my hubby, his buddy, my brother, a guy friend, or a friends man… this was the first guy in my WHOLE LIFE that asked me to “Get him back” and it was offensive to me. And of all the men who have paid for the drinks, I never once asked for them to. I don’t expect it, but it’s nice when a man is a genleman and is just NICE!
November 20th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
You said this much better than I could Kat. For the first few dates I’m definitely a fan of paying for myself, just like I drive myself there and back. No confusion, or mixed signals.
After that it can all change though. :)
November 20th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
I asked a guy out (he would buy bagels from the deli I worked in in Chicago). He was a little bit older (I was about 20, he >25), would stop by in business suits…we went out to dinner/drinks and when the bill came I made a grab for it and told him I was definitley going to pay so that he would be obliged to “put out”. He seemed shocked, in a good way, and he INSISTED that he pay. And he put out! But seriously, he was a gent and let me say to the guys, it may be a crap shoot (she flakes out and you feel used) but if you make the gesture you are on such better ground than all this silly awkwardness/mind games. If you pay and expect something in return and make her feel awkward, forget it, but play it cool and good things will eventually come.
November 21st, 2008 at 12:16 pm
i think the guy should pay, BUT the girl should offer to contribute. it only seems fair.
November 26th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
simple: if a guy won’t pay,or offer to pay, he won’t get a second date.
January 16th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
The reason guys used to pay when going out was because women traditionally didn’t work. Times have changed, they do work now and should be splitting the bill evenly or paying every now and then as well.
January 16th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
A guy always paying begins to look tired and it makes the woman look like an incapable and lazy gold digger, and there is nothing attractive about that. Both should be contributing to each other as if you’re investing in each other. It’s not a one way street. And Emily don’t quote Bible things on here either, that’s offensive. This isn’t the stone age anymore.
January 18th, 2009 at 8:48 am
A guy should always pay! :)
January 18th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
The reasonable response is if its an invitation, you pay, regardless of dating or non-dating status. If you ask them if they would like to accompany you without intending to pay for them, you should say, “Would you like to come with us? We can split the check.” Don’t leave it up to osmosis. Although, to be honest, date or not, I always go with the assumption that when invited I’m paying for myself. When I invite someone, I make it clear if I’m paying or not. I dig the me Tarzan, you Jane stuff, but money is rough for everybody, and even if they act like they swim in a pool of it everyday, I assume that they really don’t intend to pay every time.
February 1st, 2009 at 10:16 am
What a bunch of crap…lmao I see the woman that post their comments and say it is the guy’s responsibility to pay the bill. I am trying to date and this is the problem I am running into. I meet woman on chat sites and dating sites and they are real interested in getting to know me and I like to get to know them also. But the problem comes down to it I almost have to be a millionaire to take these woman out all the time. I ask if you like to meet for a drink or cup of coffee to see if we have some chemistry and the next thing I know they are ordering dinner and getting drunk and then when the bill comes they do not even offer to help pay the bill. I could go on a separate date every night of the week but because of the cost involved taking them out it becomes outrageous on paying the bill all the time. Once you order drinks and they order dinner I get a bill at the end for 60 to 80 bucks that came out of my pocket. If these woman want to be so liberated then they should split the bill on the first date that way at least they have something invested. I am not their free lunch ticket and how am I suppose to know if they are even serious about getting to know me better if they cannot even invest in the date or even ask me out for a drinks or dinner. I have dated many woman and out of maybe a 100 I would say only one or two have even offered to pay for part of the bill and then out of that not one has ever offered to take me out even if we do go on a second date, they still expect me to pay for it. So my big question is do I stop dating and save the money or how do I approach them and ask them we are going dutch or if they want to pay for it? Any help would be appreciated.
February 3rd, 2009 at 10:27 pm
I think it’s outrageous to expect guys to pay the whole time. I would never let someone pay for my meals. It doesn’t matter whether a guy makes $100K+ a year or works at a part time job with an hourly wage of $5.50. I would always pay my share or (offer to) treat him if I’d asked him out in the first place.
February 27th, 2009 at 8:27 am
In my opinion I think the guy ends up paying more than 80% of the time when going out anyways but for a woman to expect a guy to pay for everything is simply unreasonable in this day and age. People should pay because they want to, not because they feel they have to and it is that obligation and expectation that can seriously ruin an otherwise good relationship. I give you an example where I dated this woman for 2.5 months and where she expected me to pick up everything, tip included, when going out. At first it didn’t bother me but by the second month it set off alarm bells and where i felt that since she had money as well, she could also afford to treat me. The breaking point was one date where we were supposed to go to a show at HER invite and where she expected me to take her to dinner beforehand and pay for it! We ended up at a bar/lounge instead and although I only a $6 glass of wine, she had a meal and felt it necessary to force me to pay for my glass and the tip! Then sulked all evening afterwards making me feel like crap! This coming from a woman who claimed to love and care about ‘us’ as a couple?! Relationships can sink on this stuff and sadly so did ours. Talk about it and get it out in the open…if you’re okay with idea of bankrolling the shot then go for it. If not, find a mate that sees things your way. Best of luck :)
April 21st, 2009 at 3:30 pm
The friggin guy should always pay!! Believe me the woman will be cleaning up his mess later.
May 22nd, 2009 at 2:22 pm
I have hung out with a girl for 3 weeks now, I am the aggressor, always asking her out and she never refuses. I have gladly paid for every meal and have asked her over to my place for a very rainy weekend, which of course, I will buy-prepare-and cook. Is this girl using me, shy, or just enjoys me spending time with her. I have yet to kiss her, nor have I even been close,,,ha ha whats the deal?
June 26th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
hmm thomas she might just be wanting some attention…and free food isnt a bad thing haha.. as for who picks up the tab it just depends on the couple.. i know for me its usualy just whoever feels like paying and is usualy a trade off. if i pay this time he’ll pay next time
October 25th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
I do believe that the guy should have the attitude of always wanting to pay if he really likes a girl and is pursuing her. I don’t think he should ever ask the girl to pay.
But I also believe that the girl should contribute and offer to pay the bill every once in a while–maybe every 4th time. But the guy should pay most of the time.
January 29th, 2010 at 8:20 pm
I think it really just depends on the situation and the people involved. I think it just varies from date-to-date, you know?
I don’t think it’s proper at any point for the guy to ask the girl to pay, or the girl ask the guy for that matter.
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:42 pm
I am 50 yrs old, and for me, it just feels good to be able to enjoy time with a woman and expect nothing in return . I gladly pay for dinner, because it a true character and respect that has slowly diminished a man/ woman relationship.Be what God intended us to be.not the world.
March 10th, 2010 at 5:45 am
I struggle with who pays for what… the economic situation between myself and the guy I’m dating is huge…He can afford things and pay for me to do things that I simply cannot afford, so I don’t offer to pay because I’m not in a position to. I do take a decent bottle of wine and chocolate he likes when I go to his place and I have paid for us when I have invited him somewhere but mostly he pays… It’s difficult and sometimes I feel guilty…
May 1st, 2010 at 7:05 pm
The guy should offer to pay most of the time. Even if the girl offers to split and they end up splitting, at least in the back of her mind she will think “oh that was nice, he was willing to pay”. Guys, times havent changed all that much when it comes to this, sorry to tell you that. Women still like being treated/looked after. I dont mind paying my half every now and then but i still expect the guy to offer/ pay for it sometimes. It’s not about the money at all, it’s about the attitude, the gesture of it. I know I am a very caring girlfriend when I’m with someone, I cook for them, look after them when they’re sick, I bloody bend over backwards to please them, so yeah, i do expect my man to be a gentleman and treat me every now and again in return by taking me out for a nice meal and paying for it, buying me a nice present every now and again (i also do the same, i always buy my bf’s nice gifts when i can).
I agree with the post above that says ‘i dont want equality, i want a happy relationship’. I know I do everything for my man when im with them, so i want to be with a guy who doesnt think its outrageous to get the bill. Sorry all you tight asses over there.
July 16th, 2010 at 10:08 pm
Back when I dated, I often dated guys who made a bunch more money than I did.
I let them pay, but I would often tip and they were quite happy with that.
July 24th, 2010 at 11:44 am
Relationships always end bad OR continue forever but sucking. Therefore i am selfish and the money i earn i spend it with myself, she can pay for hers. I dont offer, and if she doesnt i say “you wanna split it?” Wanna a second date, ok. If not get the hell out i dont need you draining my account.
August 5th, 2010 at 2:39 pm
Dear modern man, if you feel like you are wasting your money on her and don’t want to pay every time you go out with her, then you don’t love her, (and maybe it’s her fault, i don’t know). If you love someone (or really like them), you want to pay for spending a good time with them. I am in an established relationship now, but when i was just dating I went out with a guy and he paid for the first date and on the second date he expected me to pay, i felt like my feminine inner and outer beauty went to waste with this jerk, and I NEVER went out with him again! Want a nice, beautiful and caring girl – pay for it!
August 7th, 2010 at 2:49 am
Dear old fashioned woman aka Laura stop being immature, men do not need TO PAY to have a nice beautiful girl, stop being shallow and materialistic, there are many things a man can do to show his love an affection without having to introduce his wallet. Women who have a princess entitlement mentality like you are nothing but prostitutes, this 2010 grow up, and accept being equal for god sake!
That will be all ;)
August 8th, 2010 at 6:37 pm
Hahahaha prostitutes! Is this mature to call someone this way without really knowing them??? I guess this is the only defense a man (or whoever you are) like you can have)))))))))
Be mature and watch your language if you respect the users of this website!
August 14th, 2010 at 3:17 am
@Laura: If a woman is trading sex for money that is what prostitution is. There is nothing wrong with applying that word to this situation. If you make a statement claiming that “if a guy wants a nice beautiful girlfriend he HAS TO PAY FOR IT” insinuating that woman shouldn’t PAY or contribute simply because she holds the cards when it comes sex and should only give it to the highest bidder, well that equals = prostitution, sorry if your offended, but I guess the shoe fits at little to well.
As I wrote its 2010 grow up and make more of a contribution instead of expecting men to pony up all the time, its NOT going to last forever :))))))))))