What to Do About a Freeloading Family Member?
Posted by Cap in Even More Ramblings |I didn’t know this, but a close cousin’s fiance’s younger brother (early twenties) has been overstaying his welcome at my cousin and her fiance’s house.
It has been going on for the past year or so, with the in-law’s brother showing up in a predictable pattern — staying for a month or so, leaves, and eventually shows up a month or two later for yet another extended “visit.”
Initially, my cousin wasn’t too happy about it. She’ll get into arguments with her fiance, and at times was so upset that she avoids coming home as it felt less like her home.
In recent days however, it seems my cousin and her fiance are more nonchalant about the freeloading. Whether it’s because they’ve given up on the situation or have grown accustom to the mooching, I’m not sure, but deep down, I suspect neither of them are happy about the problem.
There are many things they can probably do, one of which is of course put their foot down and kick the fiance’s brother out. Various other suggestions are abound on the Internet, some bordering on the extreme (sell beds, sofa, and couches in the home, get rid of food in fridge, have loud sex, etc.).
I thought about stepping in and talking to the offender in question, but on further thought, regardless of how close I am to these people, that may be overreaching a bit.
It’s a tough situation really, as I can tell the problem is putting an emotional and financial strain on the couples.
Have you dealt with a freeloading family member before? What did you do about it? Suggestions for the couple in question?
28 Comments to “What to Do About a Freeloading Family Member?”
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August 1st, 2008 at 6:17 am
Freeloaders can’t freeload if you don’t let them. I don’t think you should talk to the younger brother, but you might be able to approach the couple. They’re enabling him to abscond responsibility for himself, which is putting a stress on their relationship and damaging his ability to learn to take care of himself. They should sit him down, find out what’s going on (why he’s in and out), get him into a 12-step program (he’s likely an abuser of a substance), teach him how to set a basic budget, talk about how to stick to the budget, and lock the door behind him. It’s not their responsibility to take care of him, it’s not their fault if he flounders and has problems. (I’m basing all of this on the assumption that the younger brother is an adult.)
August 1st, 2008 at 6:30 am
H Lee D: Thanks for the comment. Yeah the person in question is an adult, in his early twenties. I doubt he’s a substance abuser but eh. I will most likely talk to the couple about it if it’s brought up again in the near future…
Obviously, like many other situations like these out there, there are more factors behind the story, but I’d like to read what others have done in similar situation. Thanks again, I appreciate the suggestions.
August 1st, 2008 at 7:16 am
This is the time for tough love. While it may feel bad kicking him out, he’s going to need to learn to take care of himself at some point and they’re only enabling him to be a bum. They need to set a firm date for him to be out of the house for good. Offer to help him sort out his finances, make a budget, hunt for an apartment, etc, but be prepared to toss his stuff on the lawn if he’s not out by that date.
August 1st, 2008 at 7:58 am
I wouldn’t get directly involved only because it’s not your place. I think that the best advice for them to confront the issue head on. Ask the brother what his plan is. If he’s really mooching, rather than in a tough spot, then they should tell him he can’t stay with them anymore because he’s taking advantage of them. If he can’t handle that, well it’s better to have discussed it today rather than in a month or in a year when your cousin is at wits end and flips out.
August 1st, 2008 at 9:23 am
I have the same problem with a Step Daughter. She is twenty one and can’t hold a job. She has student loans and insurance bills that her grandparents are paying and hoping to get paid back. She has no intention of ever leaving and feels she is well within her rights to stay. I am going crazy!
I think that until her Mom (My Wife) puts her foot down and keeps it down I am stuck.
August 1st, 2008 at 10:50 am
Perhaps a step by step plan to help the freeloaders get on their feet by making conditions of their stay, if you can just stop the freeloading completely.
For example, first step a job and some assistance for food. If they don’t like it they can stay and then at least they are on their way to learning skills that will (eventually) lead to self sufficiency.
August 1st, 2008 at 11:39 am
Charge rent. When you want him to leave, raise to the level where he’s happier elsewhere.
I had to pay room & board to my parents beginning with my first job at age 12. In 1930’s, my uncles earned $2/week delivering newspapers and had to give their mother half. My parents continued the same philosophy with us. During college three of us brought roommates home (one stayed for the summer, one for a semester, and one for a couple years). Each of them had to pay something, too. When I moved out 20 years ago, I was paying $60/week.
Everyone should earn their keep. Even if you don’t need the money, you should charge it. You can always gift it back at a later date (house down-payment, bail money, flat-screen tv for his new apartment).
In my experience, offers of help to find a new place, look over their finances, suggestions of how to budget, etc is wasted effort. Most advice to the freeloader falls on deaf ears. If he/she could do the things you advise, they already would. Requiring adults to contribute to their housing expenses treates them like adults, not perpetual children. Enabling them to live free and continue their latte-habits breeds resentment. My mortgage company isn’t going to suggest to me that I cut back on premium cable channels to be able to afford my house. They require me to pay, and will kick me out if I don’t. Likewise, you don’t suggest that freeloader get a second job, cut back on booze, drive a less expensive car, etc. You draw up a lease, charge a reasonable amount of money, specify non-monetary contribution to smooth running of the household, and aggree to duration. If you can’t have this conversation with another adult, you are not ready to cohabitate with them, regardless of romantic entanglement. I’d be suggesting to my cousin that the wedding be postponed. A married couple should be of the same mind on this.
August 1st, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I’m with Catherine on this. Someone of that age needs to learn to pay his own way — both monetarily and by contributing to the household. I would insist that he pay rent EVERY month, even the months that he’s not in residence. He needs to make a commitment somewhere, and if it were my house I’d insist on it. You’re here or you’re not.
And Catherine is right about non-monetary compensation too. I’d make him responsible for providing a certain number of meals per week for the family (shopping, cooking, serving, sharing around the table, and cleaning up) as well as basic chores such as vacuuming and bathroom cleaning. That young man is there often enough to count as a roommate, not as a guest, and should begin behaving like one.
Whew! Now, if I could only run MY life that efficiently…
August 2nd, 2008 at 6:42 am
Mention to your cousin that she and her husband-to-be should discuss this openly and be on teh same page. Charging the freeloader rent, and requiring them to do some work around the house should help move them along. Pick a leave-by date and stick with it.
August 3rd, 2008 at 4:41 am
I had a 24-year old step son from my wife’s first marriage staying with us for almost 2 years. We finally got him to leave, here’s how…
He graduated from college in CA and afterwards came back to live with us. He said he wanted to get a Masters. Fair enough. Anyway, he sits GREs repeatedly, eventually getting a decent score but does little to study or prepare for college, makes a few applications etc. And plays a *lot* of video games and is on the computer IM’ing friend constantly, but never meeting them in person. And no job. He is very lazy. And lacking confidence. So 12 months later, the time comes to go to his selected college and, whoops, he suddenly realizes its gonna cost hima small fortune to go to his selected private college. So he defers, and goes through the applications process again to state universities. By Christmas (i.e., after staying with us for approx. 18 months) he is still mooching around — we’re still paying for his car insurance and cell phone. I’m fed up at this point. And his Mom is very disappointed in him too. Big argument on day before Christmas.
So, I give him 30 days to find a job or leave the house. I make it plain that I’m deadly serious. [I try tough love for a change] All his belonging will be placed onto the doorstep on that date and he will be on his own. Of course I realize that pushing him out is a doube whammy–no job AND nowhere to live. I make a countdown calendar to the deadline date, cross off each day, and remind him each day. Yeah, its unpleasant. But, guess what, he quickly found himself a sales job (Macy’s) but what the heck at least he’s getting off his lazy butt every day. He was allowed to stay with us but, he had to work every day.
After 6 months at that job he got fed up and then found a summer camp job away from us. So now he’s out.
In summary, nice kid. No drugs or alcohol. But no “life” except virtual via laptop, and no girlfriends. And very lazy. But I think we got him re-started.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
This may sound extreme, but tell your cousin to keep tabs on her credit reports. I have a sister who free-loaded off our other (younger) sis. Long story short, when she was finally told to leave she did — went to California and opened a phone account under the other sister’s social security number which she STOLE (because her own credit was already ruined), rang up hundreds of dollars in long distance, then skipped on the bill. The phone company came after my younger sister and she had to file a police report to get it off her credit report. It could have been worse, but the free-loader had easy access to paperwork and files in the house with lots of personal information on them. Better safe than sorry!
August 7th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
The couple should not be living together in the first. That is supposed to wait until after they get married. If they would have done it the right way they would not be in this situation. They already off to a bad start and with this added problem in their relationship before they get married, it looks bleak for their future.
August 11th, 2008 at 10:10 am
i agree with kimberly. your close cousin’s fiance’s younger brother [mouthful... :)] needs to be on the receiving end of some tough love. rules and deadlines need to be set.
in a way, he’s a bit like a an unruly kid, pushing the boundaries of what’s accepted since he can see that he’s being allowed to get away with it.
so maybe a deadline for leaving, perhaps some help with a plan to make it viable for him to leave, but which isn’t a necessary condition for his departure.
and ditch any creature comforts he may be enjoying while there. no tv. limited phone calls. limited access to the fridge. no friends coming over. limited net access. that sort of thing.
make him want to leave as well, but in as humane a manner as possible.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
My husband and I are fond of telling people, “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”
We use this with friends who don’t get the subtle hints that the visit is over, as well as for relatives who want to extend visits. It may seem a little harsh but we have five children and a schedule!
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:21 pm
A bill for rent (or even just food) is probably the clearest message. If they enjoy being passive-aggressive, then they might want to have “company” taking up all the extra free space.
I’m not usually into passive-aggressive solutions, but it could be fun to mess with a moocher. :)
September 8th, 2008 at 9:00 am
We just recently had a problem with our roommate’s girlfriend. She just wouldn’t leave, and he wanted her here. We even told him that she could not spend the night anymore, and he started sneaking her in and out. We basically had to offer to let her move in for her share of the rent. It’s only fair. If she’s going to live here anyway, she may as well pull her weight. He was also told that if she didn’t want to move in, she could not be here anymore. We didn’t want to have to get a restraining order, or anything like that, but we were ready to do anything. Our electric bill had gotten up to 600 dollars! Our roommate certainly wasn’t footing the bill, and it wasn’t fair for us to have to support the deadbeat.
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:57 pm
I have a quite similar situtation, and I am MARRIED my brother-in law comes quite often to our home and now has a key to walk in & out whenever he feels due to my husbands “openess” of our home. It’s so uncomfortable for me, we argue constantly. Family will take advantange of your kindness and often times cause hardships on a marriage or relationship.
June 6th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
I have a similar situation with my 20 year old sister. She told me that she could not go to college or find a job because of my mother and convinced me to let her move in with me for only 3 months. She promised she would start school, follow directions, and get a job. Well guess what! She is still working on her resume because she has not been “motivated enough” to complete it. My boyfriend and I got her some help where she can get free food, get and id card for free, get medical assistance, and get a house but she still has not called to make appointments. Then my boyfriend took her to get food and she got instructions to come back to get medical insurance and an id but she “magically forgot” and got angry with me and started to cry when I confronted her. So I made a resume for her, and made her a list to follow and she even got more tears and said she has been trying hard. I told her that been “unmotivated” was not an excuse to not find a job or finish applying for school. I have to go to work regardless of how unmotivated I am. She look really upset at me and told me that she was not happy and that she wants to go back to Bakerfield and made me feel bad about it. I asked her what can I do to help you get a job and get on your feet and she said nothing. So i am fustruated and don’t know what to do! I love my sister but I also love my single life and we have to share a little room together and my roomates are beginning to feel that she is overstaying her welcome. I don’t want to move out to a more expensive apartment just too keep my sister comfortable. I really don’t know what else to do and feel guilty if I would have to kick her out. Isnt family suppose to be there for eachother??
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:00 am
I have a brother 65 years old who lives with my mother for over 20 years. He does not work. My mother enables him completely. He states since he is the eldest in the family he needs to stay with my mother since my father died. He has not contribute financially at all, food, rent, clean clothing.NOTHING… I’m sick of it! and disgusted.
July 28th, 2009 at 11:26 am
I seriously need advice as this is not the first time my husband & I have been taken advantage of. 5 years ago (2 weeks after we moved into a new house & me being 7mos pregnant w/2nd child), my younger sister was kicked out of fiance’s house. She moved in with us. I felt obligated by all family members to let her stay because our house is big enough. After she got a new job, I basically implied with apartment suggestions & letting her know what she can afford on her salary, I was able to ‘force’ her to move out. Here I am 5 years later. Repeat offense on my part. She moved in October 08. Changed career & couldn’t afford to live on her own because the pay where she was pathetic (truly bad). I offered her space because I couldn’t imagine her sleeping on my mom’s couch in the very smoky home. I couldn’t live that way either. This past June, I told her she needed to move out by Sept 1. She was crying & said ‘fine, I’ll move in with mom’. I should have said ok, but didn’t. I told her to make an honest effort to find work to live on her own. She is 35 now. 2 weeks later she was fired (the boss was an a$$ & was offended by her turning down his advances the night before). She refuses to apply for unemployment because she’s absolutely positive he’ll fight it. Her job search effort is horrible. I’ve given her ample suggestions to apply for temp work too. She doesn’t do much around here to help out either. She’s cleaned the bathroom she uses maybe 5 times. I know, pathetic! On my part as well. I can’t charge her rent because she doesn’t have a penny to spend. She mooches off of not only us, but her married sugar daddy & other friends for stuff. I removed her cable box already. Am getting ready to remove her access from our internet as well.
Someone please help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love my sister & don’t want to be the ‘black sheep’ in the family but… I’m miserable.
All comments suggestions, no matter how harsh, are welcome. Please…
July 30th, 2009 at 7:53 am
Dear Kay: This is really all about you, not her. First, learn to say no to your sister. That is a key step here. If you cannot bring yourself to do this, no other advice you receive will ever help you. However if can say no, then your next step should be to draw up a list of duties and a deadline for move-out. Stick to the plan.
July 31st, 2009 at 4:46 am
soo..I am in a similar situation as many of you guys…my fiance’s brother asked if he could move in…first, let me tell you about his brother…40 yrs old…no car…no place to stay…NO JOB!…he jumps from one woman’s house to the next….and if their mother had not passed away a few years ago..he would be doing the same thing to her…anywho…he knew that my fiance and I were moving into a bigger apt…(much nicer)…two bdrm…(we moved from a small one bedroom)..i guess he saw this as his chance to free-load….on our move in date…as we were moving in…he was there every step of the way….we have not yet had a chance to enjoy our new apt by ourselves…initially when my fiance asked me..he said that his brother only needed three months…and that he was trying to get back with his first love (they havent been together since their early twenties)..(he also said that these three months were tentative..based on how he does when he is with us..staying focused..be courteous…etc)..since he has been here..he has been talking to numerous women and giving them our home phone number and they call AFTER midnite!!..leaving our home a mess..he walks around “OUR PLACE” as if he is doing us a favor…like the world owes him something..i am soo miserable:(……..i knew this was going to happen that is why when my fiance first asked me..i didnt not give an answer..i never wanted him to say because I know how he brother is..so…anyways..last wk..i sat down with my fiance and I expressed my feelings and told him that i cannot do this for three months..and the best that we can do for him is give him until the end of august..in the meantime..this will give him time to figure out what he wants to do, whether that is get back with is former girlfriend…find a job/get a place etc…..he is too old to be playing little kid games…thank God…my fiance understood and we are on the same page..now the problem is telling his brother..we dont want to hurt his feelings…can someone help me…how should we gently tell him that we want him gone?!?
August 3rd, 2009 at 12:26 pm
You guys are not alone, I have a family member living with me for 6 months and I am miserable.
August 6th, 2009 at 7:25 am
Update from previous post…
Sister must have felt my aggravation & found someone else to mooch off of. The day I was going to give her a deadline, she said she’s moving out. She is going to live in their basement (which she helped clean up & steam clean the carpet!) and they’re going to help her with groceries, nails, hair, etc. Yes, I said nails & hair. I, myself, consider those things privileges, not necessities!
She will have the last bit of her crap out by the weekend. Whew!
Off to get the goodies to ‘cleanse’ that room…
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:27 pm
I have a brother and mother living with me for 4 yrs!
When I tell them they need to leave my mom starts crying and says why are you always kicking us out!
Mind you my brother is 32 but always has something wrong with him ….anxiety, back problems, gout….etc…my husband will probably leave me becuase of this! :(
November 28th, 2009 at 2:08 am
I am in the same situation… I have a sponge of a brother who has lived with me off and on, over the last 15 years. He comes back to me when he’s out of options and $$. So, I moved this past summer, and told him to find his own place, that this was my place, and I did not want him living with me. So, he moved in with girlfriend, who lives at her parents house. (Her parents go away for the summer.) So, all summer, I kept reminding him, you better find a job and find a place by the fall, because your not living with me…So, mid October came around, and he came to visit me. (Which is fine, I like to see him, but for visits!) Well, he stayed a few days, so I asked him, why are you still here?…well, her parents came home. After lecturing him for an hour with “I told you so’s”, I have given him a month, to get a job, a place to live. So, he has to be out by November 30th. I’ve been reminding him all month, but he hasn’t done sh*t. He eats my food, drinks my beer. So….I am going to try to stick to my guns and kick him out on Monday. It’s really difficult, because he’s my little bro, but I’ve had enough. Thankfully, I have not given him the keys..
Wish me luck….
Pete
December 2nd, 2009 at 8:28 am
Gee….and all this time I thought I was the only one dealing with these issues! 9 yrs ago I let my sister, her husband and three children move in with me. It was supposed to be my sister, her husband and their two children, but about two months before they were to move in, she called to say she was pregnant. Oh boy – I get a husband, a wife, a school-age girl, a toddler girl and in a couple of months a new born girl!!! I go from single life to full on family life literally over night!
It was fine in the beginning — her husband had a decent job, she was an at-home mom and did the majority of the cooking and cleaning, they contributed to rent and bills, all was good. Gradually they started paying less and less. Fast forward to 2008. Last year I decided to make the leap from renter to home owner. At the time, they weren’t paying me anything towards rent and bills. They knew moving to a new house would be more expensive and I told them I was making the move with or without them. If it was with them, they needed to pay X amount, etc etc. A couple of weeks before I signed the purchase papers for my new home, my brother in law injured himself and went on disability at work. (I.E. – they now have very little income coming in….) I made my sister (who had been an at home mom for 13 + years) get a job. When he was finally able to return to work, the recession was starting to really hit our area and the company he worked for layed off all their employees. So for the past 1 1/2 years he has been unemployed (an occasional odd job here or there) and my sister works retail earning barely more than minimum wage — that means I get next to nothing for their portion of the mortgage and bills. If they contribute, it is only after me asking repeatedly for several weeks and then maybe they’ll give me $100. It’s not all bad — they do buy a majority of the groceries (most of which they consume), and they help with the cleaning and maintenance. Their three kids aren’t as helpful, but I’m working on that… So – the big kicker — I get home last night and my sister greets me with, “Surprise – we got a dog!” (We have four cats and they all know I will not allow a dog in the house). The she says, “Just kidding, we didn’t get a dog. Surprise – I’m pregnant!” It’s been 13 hours and I’m still waiting for her to say she is just kidding….I don’t think it’s going to happen.
I came in to work this morning with the intent of finding a basic lease agreement on-line that I can print off and have them sign. I hope I have the ability to stick to my guns on this! It has been over 9 years – how much more of my life do they want to suck out of me!?!?!?!?
Just for the record — I am sick of my family and friends saying, “you need to do this… or you need to do that…” Don’t you think I know that? The problem is, how do I do this and how do I do that? Let them move in with you and then you tell me how easy it is!
January 8th, 2010 at 1:36 pm
OK, I thought I was the only one! I did this search so I could get a prize from Publishers Clearing House! OMG! I have had my 60 year old brother since August! He got busted selling pot, had to bail him out, pay for an attorney and move him in with us. He is a lazy, lying freeloader! He says he is job hunting, but hey, he is wearing jeans and a black motorcycle jacket…I feel sure every employer would like to hire him! He has no money, and has run out of people who will take him in. If he does not make a car payment soon the bank will take his car and then I will never get him out of here! I paid his last pmt, but I cannot do it again. I don’t have the heart to put him in the street and I think he knows it. This is having a negative impact on my marriage and my life! If I say anything to him he starts having a hissy fit and tells me I am mean! WTF? I don’t know what to do, this is a horrible situation. I love my brother, but I do not like him for what he is doing. I did not take him to raise and feel he is just taking advantage of us. This was great for a vent, but I dont’t think there is an answer :-( I don’t even care about getting my 6 grand back for the bail and atty, I just want him to not live in my house anymore, telling his lies and acting like I should believe him….