What to Do About a Freeloading Family Member?
Posted by Cap in Even More Ramblings on August 1, 2008 |I didn’t know this, but a close cousin’s fiance’s younger brother (early twenties) has been overstaying his welcome at my cousin and her fiance’s house.
It has been going on for the past year or so, with the in-law’s brother showing up in a predictable pattern — staying for a month or so, leaves, and eventually shows up a month or two later for yet another extended “visit.”
Initially, my cousin wasn’t too happy about it. She’ll get into arguments with her fiance, and at times was so upset that she avoids coming home as it felt less like her home.
In recent days however, it seems my cousin and her fiance are more nonchalant about the freeloading. Whether it’s because they’ve given up on the situation or have grown accustom to the mooching, I’m not sure, but deep down, I suspect neither of them are happy about the problem.
There are many things they can probably do, one of which is of course put their foot down and kick the fiance’s brother out. Various other suggestions are abound on the Internet, some bordering on the extreme (sell beds, sofa, and couches in the home, get rid of food in fridge, have loud sex, etc.).
I thought about stepping in and talking to the offender in question, but on further thought, regardless of how close I am to these people, that may be overreaching a bit.
It’s a tough situation really, as I can tell the problem is putting an emotional and financial strain on the couples.
Have you dealt with a freeloading family member before? What did you do about it? Suggestions for the couple in question?
17 Responses to “What to Do About a Freeloading Family Member?”
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August 1st, 2008 at 6:17 am
Freeloaders can’t freeload if you don’t let them. I don’t think you should talk to the younger brother, but you might be able to approach the couple. They’re enabling him to abscond responsibility for himself, which is putting a stress on their relationship and damaging his ability to learn to take care of himself. They should sit him down, find out what’s going on (why he’s in and out), get him into a 12-step program (he’s likely an abuser of a substance), teach him how to set a basic budget, talk about how to stick to the budget, and lock the door behind him. It’s not their responsibility to take care of him, it’s not their fault if he flounders and has problems. (I’m basing all of this on the assumption that the younger brother is an adult.)
August 1st, 2008 at 6:30 am
H Lee D: Thanks for the comment. Yeah the person in question is an adult, in his early twenties. I doubt he’s a substance abuser but eh. I will most likely talk to the couple about it if it’s brought up again in the near future…
Obviously, like many other situations like these out there, there are more factors behind the story, but I’d like to read what others have done in similar situation. Thanks again, I appreciate the suggestions.
August 1st, 2008 at 7:16 am
This is the time for tough love. While it may feel bad kicking him out, he’s going to need to learn to take care of himself at some point and they’re only enabling him to be a bum. They need to set a firm date for him to be out of the house for good. Offer to help him sort out his finances, make a budget, hunt for an apartment, etc, but be prepared to toss his stuff on the lawn if he’s not out by that date.
August 1st, 2008 at 7:58 am
I wouldn’t get directly involved only because it’s not your place. I think that the best advice for them to confront the issue head on. Ask the brother what his plan is. If he’s really mooching, rather than in a tough spot, then they should tell him he can’t stay with them anymore because he’s taking advantage of them. If he can’t handle that, well it’s better to have discussed it today rather than in a month or in a year when your cousin is at wits end and flips out.
August 1st, 2008 at 9:23 am
I have the same problem with a Step Daughter. She is twenty one and can’t hold a job. She has student loans and insurance bills that her grandparents are paying and hoping to get paid back. She has no intention of ever leaving and feels she is well within her rights to stay. I am going crazy!
I think that until her Mom (My Wife) puts her foot down and keeps it down I am stuck.
August 1st, 2008 at 10:50 am
Perhaps a step by step plan to help the freeloaders get on their feet by making conditions of their stay, if you can just stop the freeloading completely.
For example, first step a job and some assistance for food. If they don’t like it they can stay and then at least they are on their way to learning skills that will (eventually) lead to self sufficiency.
August 1st, 2008 at 11:39 am
Charge rent. When you want him to leave, raise to the level where he’s happier elsewhere.
I had to pay room & board to my parents beginning with my first job at age 12. In 1930’s, my uncles earned $2/week delivering newspapers and had to give their mother half. My parents continued the same philosophy with us. During college three of us brought roommates home (one stayed for the summer, one for a semester, and one for a couple years). Each of them had to pay something, too. When I moved out 20 years ago, I was paying $60/week.
Everyone should earn their keep. Even if you don’t need the money, you should charge it. You can always gift it back at a later date (house down-payment, bail money, flat-screen tv for his new apartment).
In my experience, offers of help to find a new place, look over their finances, suggestions of how to budget, etc is wasted effort. Most advice to the freeloader falls on deaf ears. If he/she could do the things you advise, they already would. Requiring adults to contribute to their housing expenses treates them like adults, not perpetual children. Enabling them to live free and continue their latte-habits breeds resentment. My mortgage company isn’t going to suggest to me that I cut back on premium cable channels to be able to afford my house. They require me to pay, and will kick me out if I don’t. Likewise, you don’t suggest that freeloader get a second job, cut back on booze, drive a less expensive car, etc. You draw up a lease, charge a reasonable amount of money, specify non-monetary contribution to smooth running of the household, and aggree to duration. If you can’t have this conversation with another adult, you are not ready to cohabitate with them, regardless of romantic entanglement. I’d be suggesting to my cousin that the wedding be postponed. A married couple should be of the same mind on this.
August 1st, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I’m with Catherine on this. Someone of that age needs to learn to pay his own way — both monetarily and by contributing to the household. I would insist that he pay rent EVERY month, even the months that he’s not in residence. He needs to make a commitment somewhere, and if it were my house I’d insist on it. You’re here or you’re not.
And Catherine is right about non-monetary compensation too. I’d make him responsible for providing a certain number of meals per week for the family (shopping, cooking, serving, sharing around the table, and cleaning up) as well as basic chores such as vacuuming and bathroom cleaning. That young man is there often enough to count as a roommate, not as a guest, and should begin behaving like one.
Whew! Now, if I could only run MY life that efficiently…
August 2nd, 2008 at 6:42 am
Mention to your cousin that she and her husband-to-be should discuss this openly and be on teh same page. Charging the freeloader rent, and requiring them to do some work around the house should help move them along. Pick a leave-by date and stick with it.
August 3rd, 2008 at 4:41 am
I had a 24-year old step son from my wife’s first marriage staying with us for almost 2 years. We finally got him to leave, here’s how…
He graduated from college in CA and afterwards came back to live with us. He said he wanted to get a Masters. Fair enough. Anyway, he sits GREs repeatedly, eventually getting a decent score but does little to study or prepare for college, makes a few applications etc. And plays a *lot* of video games and is on the computer IM’ing friend constantly, but never meeting them in person. And no job. He is very lazy. And lacking confidence. So 12 months later, the time comes to go to his selected college and, whoops, he suddenly realizes its gonna cost hima small fortune to go to his selected private college. So he defers, and goes through the applications process again to state universities. By Christmas (i.e., after staying with us for approx. 18 months) he is still mooching around — we’re still paying for his car insurance and cell phone. I’m fed up at this point. And his Mom is very disappointed in him too. Big argument on day before Christmas.
So, I give him 30 days to find a job or leave the house. I make it plain that I’m deadly serious. [I try tough love for a change] All his belonging will be placed onto the doorstep on that date and he will be on his own. Of course I realize that pushing him out is a doube whammy–no job AND nowhere to live. I make a countdown calendar to the deadline date, cross off each day, and remind him each day. Yeah, its unpleasant. But, guess what, he quickly found himself a sales job (Macy’s) but what the heck at least he’s getting off his lazy butt every day. He was allowed to stay with us but, he had to work every day.
After 6 months at that job he got fed up and then found a summer camp job away from us. So now he’s out.
In summary, nice kid. No drugs or alcohol. But no “life” except virtual via laptop, and no girlfriends. And very lazy. But I think we got him re-started.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
This may sound extreme, but tell your cousin to keep tabs on her credit reports. I have a sister who free-loaded off our other (younger) sis. Long story short, when she was finally told to leave she did — went to California and opened a phone account under the other sister’s social security number which she STOLE (because her own credit was already ruined), rang up hundreds of dollars in long distance, then skipped on the bill. The phone company came after my younger sister and she had to file a police report to get it off her credit report. It could have been worse, but the free-loader had easy access to paperwork and files in the house with lots of personal information on them. Better safe than sorry!
August 7th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
The couple should not be living together in the first. That is supposed to wait until after they get married. If they would have done it the right way they would not be in this situation. They already off to a bad start and with this added problem in their relationship before they get married, it looks bleak for their future.
August 11th, 2008 at 10:10 am
i agree with kimberly. your close cousin’s fiance’s younger brother [mouthful... :)] needs to be on the receiving end of some tough love. rules and deadlines need to be set.
in a way, he’s a bit like a an unruly kid, pushing the boundaries of what’s accepted since he can see that he’s being allowed to get away with it.
so maybe a deadline for leaving, perhaps some help with a plan to make it viable for him to leave, but which isn’t a necessary condition for his departure.
and ditch any creature comforts he may be enjoying while there. no tv. limited phone calls. limited access to the fridge. no friends coming over. limited net access. that sort of thing.
make him want to leave as well, but in as humane a manner as possible.
August 26th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
My husband and I are fond of telling people, “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”
We use this with friends who don’t get the subtle hints that the visit is over, as well as for relatives who want to extend visits. It may seem a little harsh but we have five children and a schedule!
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:21 pm
A bill for rent (or even just food) is probably the clearest message. If they enjoy being passive-aggressive, then they might want to have “company” taking up all the extra free space.
I’m not usually into passive-aggressive solutions, but it could be fun to mess with a moocher. :)
September 8th, 2008 at 9:00 am
We just recently had a problem with our roommate’s girlfriend. She just wouldn’t leave, and he wanted her here. We even told him that she could not spend the night anymore, and he started sneaking her in and out. We basically had to offer to let her move in for her share of the rent. It’s only fair. If she’s going to live here anyway, she may as well pull her weight. He was also told that if she didn’t want to move in, she could not be here anymore. We didn’t want to have to get a restraining order, or anything like that, but we were ready to do anything. Our electric bill had gotten up to 600 dollars! Our roommate certainly wasn’t footing the bill, and it wasn’t fair for us to have to support the deadbeat.
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:57 pm
I have a quite similar situtation, and I am MARRIED my brother-in law comes quite often to our home and now has a key to walk in & out whenever he feels due to my husbands “openess” of our home. It’s so uncomfortable for me, we argue constantly. Family will take advantange of your kindness and often times cause hardships on a marriage or relationship.