When Love Ones Don’t Live a Sound Financial Lifestyle…
Posted by Cap in Personal Finance on October 27, 2006 |What do you do?
To follow up on the previous post, there are a few things you can try out:
- Let them go through with the decision and hope that they learn from it.
- Try to set an example and convey a healthy financial lifestyle.
- Try to talk to them and convince them the potential problems they’ll face.
Here’s the thing. It’s been mention before that I spent rather frivolously in the past (hence the name of the blog). During my money-grows-on-tree days, if a family member — like my sister — was to tell me to watch my spending, I would have given her the finger and told her what she often tells me when she flips me off: “sit on it and spin.”
When my mom told me to watch my usage of the credit card, I ignored her advice. She tried to convince me a bit more but unfortunately I was a stubborn moron. Long story short, mommy was right. Being in debt is not fun.
My mom tried option #3, which didn’t work. So she went with option #1 and left me alone. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t fun, but I eventually figured things out for myself. Had I not seen the light earlier, this blog would have been named StopGoingInDebt.com.
If you try those options above and none of them work, what should you do? Although it can also be an option, giving up doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. After all, whether they be friends or family, most people wouldn’t want the people they care about to continue making decisions that results in financial hardship — especially when they’re avoidable.
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October 27th, 2006 at 2:39 am
I read about doing a 20 ways list from stevepavlina.com (who credits Earl Nightingale). I thought I’d do that here. Here’s my first 10:
1 be there when she’s ready to change
2 keep talking. it’s not about what she hears. it’s about you having to tell her.
3 listen. stop talking and listen. for like hours, if needed. actively. following up with reflective statements. she’s a woman. at first she’ll be wary, but when she sees you’re only listening and you’re really listening, she won’t shut up. be prepared for long and winding roads, but given enough time, she will arrive at herself.
4 remember what it was like for you. a lot of times we can’t talk to people because we’re running from what we used to do. i mean, who we were then disgusts us, and that comes through when we’re talking to someone who is at where we were. so to love the you that you were then and to be okay with that you will help you. you’ll remember exactly why you did what you did, have a better idea of how to approach that you, what to say and how to say it so that it makes sense to who you were then.
5 talk and stay detached from the outcome. you’re just sharing.
6 probably the need to keep telling her doesn’t come so much from you wanting her to change as much as you wanting to get the whole story out. which is hard to do when she’s aiming for your genitals. you come up with an example, or a quote or a piece of information and she’s not exactly creating a welcoming space for the next sentence. so write a letter. not one to her, but to you then. write a conversational, sharing letter because you weren’t listening to lectures then and neither is she. you don’t have to mail it. this letter is for you more than it is for her. the letter might and should take more than a few days to create.
7 mindmap your letter.
8 look back and remember one small step you would have listened to. teeny tiny. like, sis, there’s this great bank deal where you get $50 if you open an account here. or, this bank has some really great rates. or, you can make some good passive income doing _____, or somebody needs a pet-sitter for the weekend and they’re paying ___.
9 have her play cashflow with you. it’s a game. who knows? she might beat you. but it’s the game lecturing her and not you.
10 help her reach her rock bottom. grease the slide for her. if her thing is shoes, give her a manolo catalogue. tell her about every shoe sale you come across. tell her about every shoe store you come across.
October 27th, 2006 at 7:11 am
We can’t change people. We can only change ourselves.
Most people don’t want to change when they’re in the throes of bad spending habits. They won’t hear anything you say.
Change only happens when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of change. Unfortunately, they’ll have to cause themselves that pain.
In the mean time, loved ones will have to practice acceptance that this is the way it is right now, and others will have to decide what they can live with and what they can’t.
October 27th, 2006 at 7:39 am
I agree a lot with what secretary says.
What I did when I finally figured this whole thing out (or at least a lot of it out) was start my blog and then send links to my family members. After reading my financial stories, I didn’t have to say a thing, my whole family literally got on board, one at a time.
My mom and middle brother are both totally debt free now. My sister and oldest brother are on budgets and on their way to being debt free. Even the in-laws are getting on track. I could have talked until I was blue in the face, and it would have never worked; but saying nothing at all, and letting them into my experience through my blog worked wonders.
October 27th, 2006 at 7:54 am
I used to be a money-on-trees spender, too… to the point that I was in 5-figure debt by my early 20s, with barely enough cash to make my rent. (In fact, my rent was often late.)
Fast forward. I decided my future credit was worth preserving (whatever was left, that is). I contacted my creditors (whom I’d been hiding from) and started making payments. Now, 10 years later, I’m debt free (unless you count a mortgage that, compared to others in my income bracket, is miniscule) and never carry a balance on a credit card.
During the time I was living as a financially irresponsible jackass, I had a few people try to help me. Boyfriends, college roomies, parents, my brother. Some offered advice. Some offered guidance. Some offered loans.
But the only that really worked for me was, one day, I realized “crap” wasn’t nearly as important as peace of mind.
You can guide. You can live by example. You can offer facts and stats. All of those things, I believe, will plant seeds in the mind of the person you’re trying to educate. But it’s up to the person to actually make the change. You can only provide the tools that allows them to do it.
Don’t give up, though. If there’s someone in your life that may be ruining their future because of financial irresponsibility–and it’s someone you love–don’t stop trying to help in some way or another. Maybe you’ll need to change tactics over time. Maybe nothing will work, but then, one day, the light bulb will switch on. If you love the person, it’s worth it to keep trying, and to try every way possible.
October 27th, 2006 at 8:32 am
Joel, that’s awesome that you got your whole family to change through blogging!
My approach is usually to just let them figure it out. But how do you handle a parent who is not preparing for retirement. Has no retirement savings, spends a TON of money on CRAP, and is starting to have health problems. As family, we plan to take care of our parents in old age, but I wish they would at least ATTEMPT to get control of their finances!!!!
October 27th, 2006 at 10:59 am
I’ve spent a lifetime learning an undeniable, absolute truth. (Ready for it…)
You can only fix you.
Cap, you said, “I eventually figured things out for myself”. And that will be the case with most folks. As tempting and noble as it seems to fix someone else, it is simply not possible.
Our job is to keep working or fixing ourselves so we can be in a position to offer assistance when the other people come to their own realizations.
October 27th, 2006 at 7:02 pm
“If you try those options above and none of them work, what should you do? Although it can also be an option, giving up doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. After all, whether they be friends or family, most people wouldn’t want the people they care about to continue making decisions that results in financial hardship — especially when they’re avoidable.”
So you care, you don’t want to see her in pain or discomfort, and you see a way out because it’s her financial behavior is very similar, if not exactly the same, to yours before you stopped buying crap. You want to share that with her, but you’re meeting resistance and you’re wondering how to counter that resistance.
There has to be a way to counter that resistance…
October 27th, 2006 at 7:03 pm
love this blog! I wish I had the same money awareness that you have when I was 22 y.o. I didn’t, wouldn’t spend a dime when I was making decent money while working a corporate job after college graduation. Then I went to grad school and I started to buy a lot of CRAP. I was free-falling into unsecured credit card debt. I mean dumb stuff like expensive sneakers (lay off your sister), car accessories (gotta have the rims), eating/drinking out and other non essential stuff. To make a long story short, I defaulted on my car loan and racked up over 10K in credit card debt. 10K isn’t a lot but I didn’t have a job immediately after grad school and the creditors were hounding me. My parents were willing to “loan” me the money but I paid it off by working a lot of overtime with temp positions and watching my expenses. Simply put, had I taken the “loan” from my rents, I would probably be running up a sizable debt right now. I think its best to let people learn & grow from their mistakes. You would have better luck converting them to another religion than educating them about sound financial advice.
October 27th, 2006 at 7:08 pm
If it’s a matter of a loved one, I won’t mind getting in the “harsh-mode” and lecturing them about their financial situation if none of the other things you suggested work. There is a risk that I may hurt the relation in doing so, but I will hope against hope that a loved ones would always realize that I was doing it for their good.
Sometimes you got to show them the right direction before you let them figure out which path they will choose to walk on.
October 28th, 2006 at 2:40 am
lots of great comments! it seems there’s a great trend of screwing up and figuring out things for yourself.
see, many life experiences will require making your own mistake so you can learn from it.. but constantly making financial mistake can seriously affect the quality of life. I’m not sure if what I want is to completely change/fix a person, as I agree, for most people.. they will have to change themselves.
but that doesn’t mean you can’t influence or support through various ways. hence the post, I suppose.
thegoodlistener: great list. #10 is definitely interesting.. help them hit rock bottom fast and hard before it becomes a slow painful downward slide? it’s a little bit iffy but definitely different.
and a tip of the hat to joel for influencing his family positively through blogging. that is indeed pretty awesome.
again, thanks for the comments guys.