Comments on: When to Stop Helping Your Kids Financially? http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/ Over Five Years of Personal Finance, Consumer Spending, Crazy Products and Boring Blog Posts. Good grief. Sun, 12 Feb 2012 06:10:20 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: sally http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-167753 sally Wed, 28 Dec 2011 19:17:02 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-167753 My husbands son is in his mid to late 30's is married and him and his wife both work also 2 of their 3 children work but constantly were borrowing money from mu husband until they basically used up our savings account. That's when we said no more moneu and they have badmoutjed us and rarely have anything to do with is anymore. Its heartbreaking to my husband. My husbands son is in his mid to late 30′s is married and him and his wife both work also 2 of their 3 children work but constantly were borrowing money from mu husband until they basically used up our savings account. That’s when we said no more moneu and they have badmoutjed us and rarely have anything to do with is anymore. Its heartbreaking to my husband.

]]> By: tim http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-167699 tim Tue, 25 Oct 2011 05:00:40 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-167699 I was a single father to my daughter and her mother had little to do with her. I gave her the best I could and she lived in a nice home and drove a better car then I did. but when it came time for college, 'ol dad worked all the overtime he could get and paid for everthing. while she partied and cut classes. after learning of her 1.4 gpa I cut her off. made her get a job and she finally met some guy and married at 19. but 'ol dad foolishly furnished their apartment and spent a fortune helping them out for one emergency after another until they moved 2000 miles away, had a baby and things caught up with them. she squandered he opportunity for an education so she couldnt get any well paying job so just stopped trying. now theyre a familly trying to live on a working mans income and barely surviving. I cant underwrite the devicit and finally began saying no. and now, I'm a total scumbag to her and acused of being a terrible father. why? because I reached a point where I stopped forking out my hard earned money. but all I did in the past means nothing. now I'm a pice of crap. moral is "dont throw pearls unto swine" lesson learned the hard way I was a single father to my daughter and her mother had little to do with her. I gave her the best I could and she lived in a nice home and drove a better car then I did. but when it came time for college, ‘ol dad worked all the overtime he could get and paid for everthing. while she partied and cut classes. after learning of her 1.4 gpa I cut her off. made her get a job and she finally met some guy and married at 19. but ‘ol dad foolishly furnished their apartment and spent a fortune helping them out for one emergency after another until they moved 2000 miles away, had a baby and things caught up with them. she squandered he opportunity for an education so she couldnt get any well paying job so just stopped trying. now theyre a familly trying to live on a working mans income and barely surviving. I cant underwrite the devicit and finally began saying no. and now, I’m a total scumbag to her and acused of being a terrible father. why? because I reached a point where I stopped forking out my hard earned money. but all I did in the past means nothing. now I’m a pice of crap. moral is “dont throw pearls unto swine” lesson learned the hard way

]]> By: Cap http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-167557 Cap Tue, 13 Sep 2011 18:56:22 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-167557 @lee johnson: agreed. valerie's post was a difficult read. in fact, pretty much all the comments here are difficult as you can really see the conflicting emotion here from parents as they are torn between helping their children but also balancing between letting the "children" know that they are now grown adults that should be able to financially handle themselves (short of a medical situation or some other large life altering events)... I wish I have something positive or actionable to contribute but having no kids myself yet, it is a far cry for me to chime in with "tips and advice" @lee johnson: agreed. valerie’s post was a difficult read. in fact, pretty much all the comments here are difficult as you can really see the conflicting emotion here from parents as they are torn between helping their children but also balancing between letting the “children” know that they are now grown adults that should be able to financially handle themselves (short of a medical situation or some other large life altering events)… I wish I have something positive or actionable to contribute but having no kids myself yet, it is a far cry for me to chime in with “tips and advice”

]]> By: lee johnson http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-167552 lee johnson Sat, 10 Sep 2011 22:35:34 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-167552 After reading #17 Valerie's post i almost cried, its as if we lived the same life for our ungrateful kids. I did exactly that moved into a smaller apt., but they continued to ask for financial help which I continued to do. Later I made my escape and left the state, but guilt came afterwards. And 7 years later these adult kids still make attempts to extort money from me with the threats of cutting me out of their lives, and that of my grandchildren. They are now 30 years old, (twin girls) God help us all. After reading #17 Valerie’s post i almost cried, its as if we lived the same life for our ungrateful kids. I did exactly that moved into a smaller apt., but they continued to ask for financial help which I continued to do. Later I made my escape and left the state, but guilt came afterwards. And 7 years later these adult kids still make attempts to extort money from me with the threats of cutting me out of their lives, and that of my grandchildren. They are now 30 years old, (twin girls) God help us all.

]]> By: sandy http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-167487 sandy Thu, 04 Aug 2011 04:11:33 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-167487 I dont know what to do. I have a 35 yr. old son, recently divorced from a psycho wife. He has 2 great kids. He has a no where job, making <$10 an hr. I sent him to school for HVAC but he can't find a job in that field. He's living in a house i bought for him. He knows I wont let the kids do w/o anything but I know how hard it is and he struggles to make ends meet, even w/o a house payment...I know times are hard, but he always has cigarettes and beer.....I'm 61, working until I'm 66..divorced for a long time. I putmyself through RN school in my 40's and my kids saw what I went through to get where I'm at. Why doesn't he get it? I've always told them they can do whatever they want as long as they try and never give up. I'm about to give up on him, maybe he'll get it then. I just love those kids more thanlife and I don't want them to do w/out antything..caught in the middle. His dad wont even speak to him, hasn't for years. I dont know what to do. I have a 35 yr. old son, recently divorced from a psycho wife. He has 2 great kids. He has a no where job, making <$10 an hr. I sent him to school for HVAC but he can't find a job in that field. He's living in a house i bought for him. He knows I wont let the kids do w/o anything but I know how hard it is and he struggles to make ends meet, even w/o a house payment…I know times are hard, but he always has cigarettes and beer…..I'm 61, working until I'm 66..divorced for a long time. I putmyself through RN school in my 40's and my kids saw what I went through to get where I'm at. Why doesn't he get it? I've always told them they can do whatever they want as long as they try and never give up. I'm about to give up on him, maybe he'll get it then. I just love those kids more thanlife and I don't want them to do w/out antything..caught in the middle. His dad wont even speak to him, hasn't for years.

]]> By: rosalee http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-167351 rosalee Mon, 16 May 2011 04:49:52 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-167351 my brother inlaw and sisterin law had to move in with us because of a fire they had which is fine they needed a place to stay but the deal was to get them back on their feet withingn in a few months well a few months turned into seven months because they didnt have good credit to get another apt and they did not save any money and when they did it was gone in a week which was suppose to be used for first and last well my husband started making difficult for them because we were trying to help them but they didnt want the help he gave them three months notice because of not doing what they were suppose to be doing to fix themselves or making it difficult like getting off ur lazy ass and doing something in our house because u live there my brother inlaw and sisterin law had to move in with us because of a fire they had which is fine they needed a place to stay but the deal was to get them back on their feet withingn in a few months well a few months turned into seven months because they didnt have good credit to get another apt and they did not save any money and when they did it was gone in a week which was suppose to be used for first and last well my husband started making difficult for them because we were trying to help them but they didnt want the help he gave them three months notice because of not doing what they were suppose to be doing to fix themselves or making it difficult like getting off ur lazy ass and doing something in our house because u live there

]]> By: terry http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-163203 terry Mon, 31 Jan 2011 10:11:18 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-163203 thats a cycle that cant be broken once you let it get started. I was a considered a great dad and father -in-law as long as I'd dole out the cash everytime they whimpered. but when I cut iy off and stood behind a firm NO. well, suffice to say, they wont even speak to me anymore. and this after I gave my daughter a very good childhood and she drove a better car than me even. I broke my back for her when she was a kid and as a single dad had to be dad and mom. in retrospect, theres a lot I would have changed. she's an inappreciative whiney mouth, lazy adult. and I wasnt going to fund her do nothing attitude. I gave her a college education. she didnt want it thats a cycle that cant be broken once you let it get started. I was a considered a great dad and father -in-law as long as I’d dole out the cash everytime they whimpered. but when I cut iy off and stood behind a firm NO. well, suffice to say, they wont even speak to me anymore. and this after I gave my daughter a very good childhood and she drove a better car than me even. I broke my back for her when she was a kid and as a single dad had to be dad and mom. in retrospect, theres a lot I would have changed. she’s an inappreciative whiney mouth, lazy adult. and I wasnt going to fund her do nothing attitude. I gave her a college education. she didnt want it

]]> By: Joseph http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-158569 Joseph Wed, 17 Nov 2010 11:35:34 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-158569 I have a step-son who resides with me. He's 19 years old, works full-time, and has no desire to go to school. I told him he could live with me, and I'd support him if he goes back to school. He refuses to do so. Lately, he's been buying a lot of nice toys for himself; dirt bike, several cars now, to include an SUV. But he refuses to help me with home utility costs, or even help out around the house (inside/outside). His mother still makes his bed, and washes his clothes. I've confronted his mother with these issues, and she does not feel the same as I do; I'm stuck supporting his cost-of-living expenses, while he spends his money on pleasure. As of now, the only bills he has are cell phone, auto-insurance, gas, and food. Although he does tend to raid my food supplies. Does anyone believe its wrong for me to ask him to leave? His mother thinks he's too young, but I was 19 years old when I moved out; what's wrong with him doing the same? Anyone? Joe I have a step-son who resides with me. He’s 19 years old, works full-time, and has no desire to go to school. I told him he could live with me, and I’d support him if he goes back to school. He refuses to do so. Lately, he’s been buying a lot of nice toys for himself; dirt bike, several cars now, to include an SUV. But he refuses to help me with home utility costs, or even help out around the house (inside/outside). His mother still makes his bed, and washes his clothes. I’ve confronted his mother with these issues, and she does not feel the same as I do; I’m stuck supporting his cost-of-living expenses, while he spends his money on pleasure. As of now, the only bills he has are cell phone, auto-insurance, gas, and food. Although he does tend to raid my food supplies. Does anyone believe its wrong for me to ask him to leave? His mother thinks he’s too young, but I was 19 years old when I moved out; what’s wrong with him doing the same? Anyone?

Joe

]]> By: Tom http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-152240 Tom Sat, 19 Jun 2010 03:46:39 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-152240 OK, here's one for ALL of you. My daughter and her husband are in their mid-30s. They have been married for seventeen years and have two kids. My son-in-law has had (gone through) approximately 25 jobs in that time. I helped them out for the first few years, but cut that off in 1997 when it became quite apparent that they weren't learning to fend for themselves. They have lived in a house theat they have been renting from his parents for eleven years. His folks are now retired, physically disabled, and (thanks to the "kids" callousness and the parents' meekness) they are now broke too. The rent hasn't been paid but twice in 2008 and 2009 (combined) and I doubt that 2010 is any better. In fact, the rent payment record over the past eleven years is poor at best. Yet the "kids" have a two year old car, a Blackberry, more Christmas presents for the grandkids than you could imagine, money for cigarettes and beer, etc. etc. My wife (not the daughter's mother) and I are thought of as A-holes because we don't "help them." It's sad and we miss seeing the grandkids, but feel that we must hold our ground. OK, here’s one for ALL of you. My daughter and her husband are in their mid-30s. They have been married for seventeen years and have two kids. My son-in-law has had (gone through) approximately 25 jobs in that time. I helped them out for the first few years, but cut that off in 1997 when it became quite apparent that they weren’t learning to fend for themselves. They have lived in a house theat they have been renting from his parents for eleven years. His folks are now retired, physically disabled, and (thanks to the “kids” callousness and the parents’ meekness) they are now broke too. The rent hasn’t been paid but twice in 2008 and 2009 (combined) and I doubt that 2010 is any better. In fact, the rent payment record over the past eleven years is poor at best. Yet the “kids” have a two year old car, a Blackberry, more Christmas presents for the grandkids than you could imagine, money for cigarettes and beer, etc. etc.
My wife (not the daughter’s mother) and I are thought of as A-holes because we don’t “help them.”
It’s sad and we miss seeing the grandkids, but feel that we must hold our ground.

]]> By: aerie http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-149421 aerie Fri, 07 May 2010 00:31:51 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-149421 Wow Trey, I would be angry & hurt too. If you're parents are financially able to help, then it seems to me they would lovingly be glad to help. Apparently they're cruel & stingy humans who value money over their own child's life. If you can't depend on your parents in times of need & difficulty, then who? My kids know that they always have a place in my home, I would never reject them or refuse to help regardless of age or circumstance. "Tough-love" is BS, ineffective, anti-empathic & breeds resentment & anger. Humans need help at times in life, unconditional love is an empathic virtue & refusing to help a child merely on "principle" is for the self-righteous. If had the money, I would give my kids whatever they needed w/o question. I despise miserly, cheap, stingy people. Note: I'm not talking about lazers, moochers, users or manipulative people. These people do sometimes have underlying mental illness that should be addressed. Sometimes toxic people must be avoided & we must protect our own well-being. Wow Trey, I would be angry & hurt too. If you’re parents are financially able to help, then it seems to me they would lovingly be glad to help. Apparently they’re cruel & stingy humans who value money over their own child’s life. If you can’t depend on your parents in times of need & difficulty, then who? My kids know that they always have a place in my home, I would never reject them or refuse to help regardless of age or circumstance. “Tough-love” is BS, ineffective, anti-empathic & breeds resentment & anger. Humans need help at times in life, unconditional love is an empathic virtue & refusing to help a child merely on “principle” is for the self-righteous. If had the money, I would give my kids whatever they needed w/o question. I despise miserly, cheap, stingy people. Note: I’m not talking about lazers, moochers, users or manipulative people. These people do sometimes have underlying mental illness that should be addressed. Sometimes toxic people must be avoided & we must protect our own well-being.

]]> By: Trey http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-148622 Trey Thu, 15 Apr 2010 09:12:26 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-148622 I sympathize with everyone. My story is a little different. I am 43 and I need my parents help for the first time since I was 15 years old. My parents divorced when I was 12 and money became a way for them to try and manipulate each other. At 15, I became tired of begging my parents to help with school and decided to become financially independent. I worked one full-time and one part-time job while still in high school so I would not have to hear the classic "I'll pay for half of this if you will pay for the other half" argument that usually resulted in nothing getting paid. I managed to finish high school and college on my own and over time my relationship with my parents improved. For decades, I was completely independent and by all measures a successful adult. Then 5 years ago I became disabled after a mistake was made during a routine surgery. (Don't think I didn't try to recoup my losses with the doctor. My state makes that virtually impossible.) After 5 years, I have exhausted my savings and now I am about to lose my home. I have tried to get help from the bank but that is another story. The bottom line is I need $6k to save my home and my parents are the last option for me. They are both retired and are both in a position to help financially. Unfortunately, they both refuse. Mainly because they are afraid in these uncertain economic times. I explained to them how everything would work and that the risk for them was minimal. I offered to put everything in writing but to no avail. I am almost completely recovered from my disability and in a few more months I should be able to return to work. It is very frustrating to go through all I went through and get this close to recovery to discover after all these years my parents still refuse to help. I really do not know if I can continue any relations with them after this fiasco. I would like to think I will forgive them one day but that seems impossible right now. I am distraught and angry. I agree that parents should not support their children forever. I agree with most everything said here. However, I think every situation is different and some children, no matter the age, need their parents help. More importantly, if the situation warrants, parents should gladly help their children. Most parents do help when the need arises; just not in my case. Am I wrong to feel the way I do? On an ironic side note, twenty years ago my mother needed 20 grand to go back to school. One guess who gave her the money! Of course, if I had not given her the money then, she would not be in a position to help me now and I would have nothing to be upset about with her. So, in a way, that part of this situation is my fault. I sympathize with everyone. My story is a little different. I am 43 and I need my parents help for the first time since I was 15 years old. My parents divorced when I was 12 and money became a way for them to try and manipulate each other. At 15, I became tired of begging my parents to help with school and decided to become financially independent. I worked one full-time and one part-time job while still in high school so I would not have to hear the classic “I’ll pay for half of this if you will pay for the other half” argument that usually resulted in nothing getting paid. I managed to finish high school and college on my own and over time my relationship with my parents improved. For decades, I was completely independent and by all measures a successful adult. Then 5 years ago I became disabled after a mistake was made during a routine surgery. (Don’t think I didn’t try to recoup my losses with the doctor. My state makes that virtually impossible.) After 5 years, I have exhausted my savings and now I am about to lose my home. I have tried to get help from the bank but that is another story. The bottom line is I need $6k to save my home and my parents are the last option for me. They are both retired and are both in a position to help financially. Unfortunately, they both refuse. Mainly because they are afraid in these uncertain economic times. I explained to them how everything would work and that the risk for them was minimal. I offered to put everything in writing but to no avail. I am almost completely recovered from my disability and in a few more months I should be able to return to work. It is very frustrating to go through all I went through and get this close to recovery to discover after all these years my parents still refuse to help. I really do not know if I can continue any relations with them after this fiasco. I would like to think I will forgive them one day but that seems impossible right now. I am distraught and angry. I agree that parents should not support their children forever. I agree with most everything said here. However, I think every situation is different and some children, no matter the age, need their parents help. More importantly, if the situation warrants, parents should gladly help their children. Most parents do help when the need arises; just not in my case. Am I wrong to feel the way I do?

On an ironic side note, twenty years ago my mother needed 20 grand to go back to school. One guess who gave her the money! Of course, if I had not given her the money then, she would not be in a position to help me now and I would have nothing to be upset about with her. So, in a way, that part of this situation is my fault.

]]> By: Hanna http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-148548 Hanna Mon, 12 Apr 2010 20:36:19 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-148548 Some "kids" will take all you will give them as long as you are alive or have a dime extra. I paid for my son's home, car, all his children's clothes and money when he "needed" it until finally I had had enough. When I told him the bank was closed he hardly ever called me again or had time to visit. Some people whether they are your kids or not just do not care about anyone but them selves and if you go broke helping them they don't care about that either. In some countries the children take care of the parents. Isn't that a novel idea? Some “kids” will take all you will give them as long as you are alive or have a dime extra. I paid for my son’s home, car, all his children’s clothes and money when he “needed” it until finally I had had enough. When I told him the bank was closed he hardly ever called me again or had time to visit. Some people whether they are your kids or not just do not care about anyone but them selves and if you go broke helping them they don’t care about that either. In some countries the children take care of the parents. Isn’t that a novel idea?

]]> By: Linda http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-143722 Linda Thu, 04 Jun 2009 00:09:49 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-143722 I have two daughters 21 and 24 from my previous marriage. I was a single mom for many years after the divorce (ex had a girlfriend) and struggled to make ends meet. I met a wonderful man and remarried and so did my ex. My husband and I had full custody and together we raised two great kids - sometimes not easy for him to be the step dad. Through the years we shared holidays and weekends with my kids with my ex and it was a sruggle because their father always jeopardized our values, rules, curfew etc. Both girls as seniors in high school told my husband and I we were losers, they hated us and they were moving in w/dad and his wife. Tearfully I watched them go - from there they went off to college always excluding me and my husband from family weekends, graduations etc. What is the point? Now they are both graduated from college and call us. They call us for rent, trips to Europe, cars, etc. I stopped giving money when they choose to move out of my house for a better deal. (I will always support them if they need emotional help)Dad never says no and continues to hand out money. He and his wife make more than we do and these kids use both sides. I have changed my will many times, feel they appreciate nothing and as I read in the above comments feel "entitled". Both have become brats with constant funding from their father. I always feel terrible when I turn them down (my husband is a disabled vet and we are close to retirement) but I have learned if I say yes - it is never enough!_ I have two daughters 21 and 24 from my previous marriage. I was a single mom for many years after the divorce (ex had a girlfriend) and struggled to make ends meet. I met a wonderful man and remarried and so did my ex. My husband and I had full custody and together we raised two great kids – sometimes not easy for him to be the step dad. Through the years we shared holidays and weekends with my kids with my ex and it was a sruggle because their father always jeopardized our values, rules, curfew etc. Both girls as seniors in high school told my husband and I we were losers, they hated us and they were moving in w/dad and his wife. Tearfully I watched them go – from there they went off to college always excluding me and my husband from family weekends, graduations etc. What is the point? Now they are both graduated from college and call us. They call us for rent, trips to Europe, cars, etc. I stopped giving money when they choose to move out of my house for a better deal. (I will always support them if they need emotional help)Dad never says no and continues to hand out money. He and his wife make more than we do and these kids use both sides. I have changed my will many times, feel they appreciate nothing and as I read in the above comments feel “entitled”. Both have become brats with constant funding from their father. I always feel terrible when I turn them down (my husband is a disabled vet and we are close to retirement) but I have learned if I say yes – it is never enough!_

]]> By: Valerie http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-143422 Valerie Wed, 04 Mar 2009 20:06:32 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-143422 Hi - I have 2 adult children living at home, 19 and 22 yo. I have been a single parent for almost 20 years. I am chronically Ill, just lost my job after many years, even prior to that it was made clear to my children that money is tight, we need to pool resources (esp financially) just to pay for necessities.. I feel that losing my job has been a blessing in disguise because of my disability and I havent had a day off or any type of vacation in over 3 years. After relocating here we agreed to rent an apartment (I am a previous home owner) that was within our financial means. My daughter and I rented our apt with the agreement that she would have to contribute to the rent and other necessary expenses. Unfornately, guess who ended up thousands in debt paying for literally EVERY expense in the house? Me of course. My daughter comes out and says "you never told me I would have to pay rent" "its your responsibility as my parent to take care of me". I DONT THINK SO. My 19 yo son has a job - unfortunately it is 30 miles away and because of the job market cannot transfer closer to home right now. We only have one vehicle (which I am paying for) neither of my children have driver's licenses so I provide not only my time, wear and tear on my car and gas to get my son to work. Problem is, he gets his paycheck and the only time I see money is when his cell phone bill is due then I pay our bills together. My daughter is 22 and she has a job but hasnt received any work hours in weeks. No paycheck for weeks nor does she look for anything else b/c she has that "god forbid someone might see me working flipping burgers". Her job is at a very high priced retail store, and she thinks that if she makes a few bucks then she can spend it on an expensive piece of junk. She wants the high priced lifestyle without the income. When she was working more hours she would actually call me in the middle of my work day and expect me to leave my job, drive home to pick her up and bring her to her job. Yeah, really no lie!! The day I lost my job my daughter said to me "I need to get registered for school" Not only is the money not there for her to go to college but 'hello' I just lost my job - the only person paying the expenses here and she doesnt want to start out at a community college, no, she wants to go to a college for rich kids. Between the stress of losing my job, the pressure of finding another job, the stress of living with chronic pain and the uncertainty of the future all I could do is laugh inside - not of amusement but of "who is this person that I am talking too?" Both of my children, all the while they see me suffering physically - trying to get through physical therapy and find another job still refuse to see the real picture. They have become so comfy here at home "oh mom will make sure all the bills are paid or mom will work 2 jobs to make sure all the bills are paid or mom will continue to kill herself physically to make sure the bills are paid". When my son first moved back home recently I was still working, I didnt mind taking him to the bus (carpooling) or drive him to work because he was helping me in other areas where I couldn't physically help myself. But still at the same time, I was paying all the bills with my paycheck and depleted all of my savings to makeup the difference. Instead of talking with me and discussing the situation like adults and with understanding, my son (has had many many problems as a teen) has many verbal and physical outbursts: slambs doors, tells me to "shut the f...k up" last week he told me "go slit your wrists." Yet, he doesnt feel the need to apologize because he doesnt feel he did anything wrong. He didnt go to work today because I have refused to provide transportation - I said no and just explained that I am not the "bank om mom" that I am not getting any benefit from his job. He called work and did nothing but bad mouth me to his boss and proceeded to tell his boss that it is my fault he cant get to work and 'my mom has balls!' My son said to me one day that he understands the struggles and sacrifices that I have had to make for all of us and "that is why I am here Mom - to help you". However, how does my 19 yo go from saying that to (see above)? I gave him the benefit of the doubt, said to myself "wow, my son is really growing up and turning himself around" but now it is seeming that his comments were just another means of manipulation - "i'll tell mom whatever I think she needs to hear to get what I want." As long as I am a 'yes' person, keep to myself, dont communicate (or argue) with my kids everything is fine (causes me more and more stress and financial pressure though). What is interesting is that my kids know that certain behaviors get negative results - they always know how I am going to react before they do it then go on with that 'surprised' attitude. I have tried to sit down with them and discuss the seriousness of my illness and my inability to physically do the things that I used to and they just do not get it. I get an argument every time I ask for the simplest of help - whether it is taking out the garbage or taking our dogs for a walk. Some days I am in such chronic pain that I can barely walk from one room to another. Before moving here I worked 2 jobs non-stop, 7 days per week for years. I would come home from first job after 12-14 hours have 2 feet of snow in 4 car driveway and have to shovel it myself while my children sat in front of TV in warm house and refused to help. Then I would walk in house and my son would say "whats for dinner? Sometimes I just cried myself to sleep. I hide in my bedroom with my dogs when I am home - I dont even feel comfortable sitting in my own livingroom to watch tv etc. because I avoid the fights. Instead of progressing to adulthood my children are regressing and acting like they are toddlers incapable of helping themselves or others. Am I wrong for saying no and not bringing my son to work? Am I wrong for expecting my adult children to clean up after themselves and contribute financially? It is getting to the point that I refuse to do anything for them. My daughter has failed her driving test 3 times - even though I am out of work now I am reluctant to take her for another driving test, not because I dont think she is capable but there is absolutely no appreciation of the task. My daughter actually said to me in front of a friend one day "you're the mom, you're supposed to do that for me. I needed to just get some things out sorry for the blabbering. I just want to move into a one bedroom apt by myself and my kids can figure out where they are going to live - am I being too harsh? There is definately no give and take in my home, it is take take take take and on and on. Any suggestions? Hi – I have 2 adult children living at home, 19 and 22 yo. I have been a single parent for almost 20 years. I am chronically Ill, just lost my job after many years, even prior to that it was made clear to my children that money is tight, we need to pool resources (esp financially) just to pay for necessities.. I feel that losing my job has been a blessing in disguise because of my disability and I havent had a day off or any type of vacation in over 3 years. After relocating here we agreed to rent an apartment (I am a previous home owner) that was within our financial means. My daughter and I rented our apt with the agreement that she would have to contribute to the rent and other necessary expenses. Unfornately, guess who ended up thousands in debt paying for literally EVERY expense in the house? Me of course. My daughter comes out and says “you never told me I would have to pay rent” “its your responsibility as my parent to take care of me”. I DONT THINK SO. My 19 yo son has a job – unfortunately it is 30 miles away and because of the job market cannot transfer closer to home right now. We only have one vehicle (which I am paying for) neither of my children have driver’s licenses so I provide not only my time, wear and tear on my car and gas to get my son to work. Problem is, he gets his paycheck and the only time I see money is when his cell phone bill is due then I pay our bills together. My daughter is 22 and she has a job but hasnt received any work hours in weeks. No paycheck for weeks nor does she look for anything else b/c she has that “god forbid someone might see me working flipping burgers”. Her job is at a very high priced retail store, and she thinks that if she makes a few bucks then she can spend it on an expensive piece of junk. She wants the high priced lifestyle without the income. When she was working more hours she would actually call me in the middle of my work day and expect me to leave my job, drive home to pick her up and bring her to her job. Yeah, really no lie!! The day I lost my job my daughter said to me “I need to get registered for school” Not only is the money not there for her to go to college but ‘hello’ I just lost my job – the only person paying the expenses here and she doesnt want to start out at a community college, no, she wants to go to a college for rich kids. Between the stress of losing my job, the pressure of finding another job, the stress of living with chronic pain and the uncertainty of the future all I could do is laugh inside – not of amusement but of “who is this person that I am talking too?” Both of my children, all the while they see me suffering physically – trying to get through physical therapy and find another job still refuse to see the real picture. They have become so comfy here at home “oh mom will make sure all the bills are paid or mom will work 2 jobs to make sure all the bills are paid or mom will continue to kill herself physically to make sure the bills are paid”. When my son first moved back home recently I was still working, I didnt mind taking him to the bus (carpooling) or drive him to work because he was helping me in other areas where I couldn’t physically help myself. But still at the same time, I was paying all the bills with my paycheck and depleted all of my savings to makeup the difference. Instead of talking with me and discussing the situation like adults and with understanding, my son (has had many many problems as a teen) has many verbal and physical outbursts: slambs doors, tells me to “shut the f…k up” last week he told me “go slit your wrists.” Yet, he doesnt feel the need to apologize because he doesnt feel he did anything wrong. He didnt go to work today because I have refused to provide transportation – I said no and just explained that I am not the “bank om mom” that I am not getting any benefit from his job. He called work and did nothing but bad mouth me to his boss and proceeded to tell his boss that it is my fault he cant get to work and ‘my mom has balls!’ My son said to me one day that he understands the struggles and sacrifices that I have had to make for all of us and “that is why I am here Mom – to help you”. However, how does my 19 yo go from saying that to (see above)? I gave him the benefit of the doubt, said to myself “wow, my son is really growing up and turning himself around” but now it is seeming that his comments were just another means of manipulation – “i’ll tell mom whatever I think she needs to hear to get what I want.” As long as I am a ‘yes’ person, keep to myself, dont communicate (or argue) with my kids everything is fine (causes me more and more stress and financial pressure though). What is interesting is that my kids know that certain behaviors get negative results – they always know how I am going to react before they do it then go on with that ‘surprised’ attitude. I have tried to sit down with them and discuss the seriousness of my illness and my inability to physically do the things that I used to and they just do not get it. I get an argument every time I ask for the simplest of help – whether it is taking out the garbage or taking our dogs for a walk. Some days I am in such chronic pain that I can barely walk from one room to another. Before moving here I worked 2 jobs non-stop, 7 days per week for years. I would come home from first job after 12-14 hours have 2 feet of snow in 4 car driveway and have to shovel it myself while my children sat in front of TV in warm house and refused to help. Then I would walk in house and my son would say “whats for dinner? Sometimes I just cried myself to sleep. I hide in my bedroom with my dogs when I am home – I dont even feel comfortable sitting in my own livingroom to watch tv etc. because I avoid the fights. Instead of progressing to adulthood my children are regressing and acting like they are toddlers incapable of helping themselves or others. Am I wrong for saying no and not bringing my son to work? Am I wrong for expecting my adult children to clean up after themselves and contribute financially? It is getting to the point that I refuse to do anything for them. My daughter has failed her driving test 3 times – even though I am out of work now I am reluctant to take her for another driving test, not because I dont think she is capable but there is absolutely no appreciation of the task. My daughter actually said to me in front of a friend one day “you’re the mom, you’re supposed to do that for me. I needed to just get some things out sorry for the blabbering. I just want to move into a one bedroom apt by myself and my kids can figure out where they are going to live – am I being too harsh? There is definately no give and take in my home, it is take take take take and on and on. Any suggestions?

]]> By: camelia satchell http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-143361 camelia satchell Sat, 14 Feb 2009 23:35:52 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-143361 I am so happy to read mad as hell comment. I felt sad and hurt to be estranged from my only son. But I am enjoying the peace that comes with it. my son 33 believes that its my responsibility to financially assist him as long as he's going through tough times, which, means paying his 1,200.00 rent for more than a year. when i quit he became hysteric and blame me for everything wrong in his life. I do believe he is right, so i back off. now he can blame his self no one is in his way. I am so happy to read mad as hell comment. I felt sad and hurt to be estranged from my only son. But I am enjoying the peace that comes with it. my son 33 believes that its my responsibility to financially assist him as long as he’s going through tough times, which, means paying his 1,200.00 rent for more than a year. when i quit he became hysteric and blame me for everything wrong in his life. I do believe he is right, so i back off. now he can blame his self no one is in his way.

]]> By: mad as hell http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-143016 mad as hell Fri, 05 Dec 2008 15:55:42 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-143016 Our only educationally gifted only child chose to self-destruct with drugs in high school and barely graduated. Caring for a dying mother, I quit work. We made do with less. My son was on and off in jobs, finally decided to be a chef. Starting working and did well. With our support attended a loco ju-co, decided that didn't have enough "fire power" approached us about attending one of the country's elite cooking schools. Said he understood we needed to save for retirement. Couldn't get a loan unless we co-signed. We knew that would be a mess for us to clean up. He offered to pay half. We agreed. Now he says we "Owed him" an education and refuses to pay us back. He called me a lying ass when I refused to give him more money. We are estranged to say the least. Calls us selfish, that is when he calls us. Now is trying to use the birth of his child to extort more from us. We refuse although it breaks our hearts. We've been down this road too many times. We have chosen a path few would take. While I'm not religious, I do believe that without true contrition there can be no true forgiviness. My son truly believes he is the victim here. We move on together my husband and I knowing that while we have lost much we no longer have the histerics, the yelling, the lying and the manipulation that is our son. Time does not always make things better. Sometimes it simply reveals the truth. Our only educationally gifted only child chose to self-destruct with drugs in high school and barely graduated. Caring for a dying mother, I quit work. We made do with less. My son was on and off in jobs, finally decided to be a chef. Starting working and did well. With our support attended a loco ju-co, decided that didn’t have enough “fire power” approached us about attending one of the country’s elite cooking schools. Said he understood we needed to save for retirement. Couldn’t get a loan unless we co-signed. We knew that would be a mess for us to clean up. He offered to pay half. We agreed. Now he says we “Owed him” an education and refuses to pay us back. He called me a lying ass when I refused to give him more money. We are estranged to say the least. Calls us selfish, that is when he calls us. Now is trying to use the birth of his child to extort more from us. We refuse although it breaks our hearts. We’ve been down this road too many times. We have chosen a path few would take. While I’m not religious, I do believe that without true contrition there can be no true forgiviness. My son truly believes he is the victim here. We move on together my husband and I knowing that while we have lost much we no longer have the histerics, the yelling, the lying and the manipulation that is our son. Time does not always make things better. Sometimes it simply reveals the truth.

]]> By: Margo http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-14889 Margo Fri, 17 Nov 2006 03:33:00 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-14889 I'd suggest you continue to pay for their healthcare until they get a full-time job with benefits, but I wouldn't recommend outright cash support. My mom's poor and my dad's remarried so dad & stepmom are doing fine. I realized a couple years ago that they can either help me live above my means now...or put aside for their retirement and long-term care insurance so I'm not run broke by caring for 3 aging parents in 20 years when I'm married with kids about to go to college. Dad & stepmom did donate some furniture when I moved into my own place. "We're so proud" she said. Then the truth - "and so grateful you haven't moved back home like our friends' kids have." I’d suggest you continue to pay for their healthcare until they get a full-time job with benefits, but I wouldn’t recommend outright cash support. My mom’s poor and my dad’s remarried so dad & stepmom are doing fine. I realized a couple years ago that they can either help me live above my means now…or put aside for their retirement and long-term care insurance so I’m not run broke by caring for 3 aging parents in 20 years when I’m married with kids about to go to college.

Dad & stepmom did donate some furniture when I moved into my own place. “We’re so proud” she said. Then the truth – “and so grateful you haven’t moved back home like our friends’ kids have.”

]]> By: mapgirl http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-2865 mapgirl Tue, 02 May 2006 02:44:49 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-2865 I agree with Miserly Bastard and Cap that it is about how your raise your kids to view money and spending it. My parents taught me that you get your allowance for the week and it had better last you all week. Of course, I babysat on the side, I took an afterschool job against their wishes and they incentivized high academics by paying me for good grades on my report card. It's possible to teach a kid not to be a brat about money. It's really a question to ask yourself about when are you going to feel ok cutting them off if they haven't learned their lesson. I watch parents in the supermarket get suckered all the time by their kids. It's awful stuff. The parents, they have no spine! I agree with Miserly Bastard and Cap that it is about how your raise your kids to view money and spending it. My parents taught me that you get your allowance for the week and it had better last you all week. Of course, I babysat on the side, I took an afterschool job against their wishes and they incentivized high academics by paying me for good grades on my report card. It’s possible to teach a kid not to be a brat about money. It’s really a question to ask yourself about when are you going to feel ok cutting them off if they haven’t learned their lesson. I watch parents in the supermarket get suckered all the time by their kids. It’s awful stuff. The parents, they have no spine!

]]> By: Lady Di http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-2007 Lady Di Mon, 10 Apr 2006 16:59:16 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-2007 Personally, I think the answer is simple. Refuse any request that is beyond reason then sit back while you adult child badmouths you to anyone who will listen. Personally, I think the answer is simple. Refuse any request that is beyond reason then sit back while you adult child badmouths you to anyone who will listen.

]]> By: Cap http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/personal-finance/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/comment-page-1/#comment-1995 Cap Sun, 09 Apr 2006 21:38:38 +0000 http://www.stopbuyingcrap.com/2006/04/08/when-to-stop-helping-your-kids-financially/#comment-1995 actually skye, in my area there are plenty of starter houses at half a million.. in fact, I don't even know if they're good starter houses. but that's all relative to the area you're in. anyway haven't got a chance to throw in some opinion too, but I think everyone made lots of good point, specifically --- just because you're receiving help, doesn't mean its a bad thing. In many cases, the smartest and best thing to do is to stay at home and save , save, save --- till you can reasonably start off on your own; and I think that's fine as long as it's not causing certain hardship & your goals are clear. What's not fine is the many examples mentioned, where the "adult child" (can't think of another word too), stay @ home and mooch or mope around the house. I think Miserly made a great point, that it all boils down to how you can best raise your kids to be self-sufficient. The problem is, I know many peers w/ great parents, but other influences in life or just own personality, made them an "adult child." I guess a simple gauge could be what was mentioned, when they graduate from college and enter the working world... course, if only life is that simple. To be honest I could have definitely became an "adult child" a few years back, thinking back about it gives me the chill. I'm glad I caught myself before I became a real burden to my parents, and I'm being careful not to revert back to the old ways. Much like Mom2fur's children, I pay all my own expenses, car insurance, tuition, etc. and I'm saving an incredible amount by staying at home while finishing up school. Doesn't keep my mom from worrying about me though! actually skye, in my area there are plenty of starter houses at half a million.. in fact, I don’t even know if they’re good starter houses. but that’s all relative to the area you’re in.

anyway haven’t got a chance to throw in some opinion too, but I think everyone made lots of good point, specifically — just because you’re receiving help, doesn’t mean its a bad thing. In many cases, the smartest and best thing to do is to stay at home and save , save, save — till you can reasonably start off on your own; and I think that’s fine as long as it’s not causing certain hardship & your goals are clear.

What’s not fine is the many examples mentioned, where the “adult child” (can’t think of another word too), stay @ home and mooch or mope around the house.

I think Miserly made a great point, that it all boils down to how you can best raise your kids to be self-sufficient. The problem is, I know many peers w/ great parents, but other influences in life or just own personality, made them an “adult child.”

I guess a simple gauge could be what was mentioned, when they graduate from college and enter the working world… course, if only life is that simple.

To be honest I could have definitely became an “adult child” a few years back, thinking back about it gives me the chill. I’m glad I caught myself before I became a real burden to my parents, and I’m being careful not to revert back to the old ways.

Much like Mom2fur’s children, I pay all my own expenses, car insurance, tuition, etc. and I’m saving an incredible amount by staying at home while finishing up school.

Doesn’t keep my mom from worrying about me though!

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