It’s been awhile since I’ve written a fun post (or any post for that matter). So let’s take a look at some of the weird stuff you can buy on Amazon.com. Quick note: if you click through, many of these have fairly funny corresponding “customer images,” and ridiculously funny “reviews” by users.

Uranium Ore – $29.95

Always handy to have around, just in case you’re all out of juice in your Delorean-based time machine.  Of course, in actuality this radioactive sample of uranium ore is meant to be used in science labs, for testing Geiger counters and uh, other sciency-thingies (it’s been awhile since I’ve been in a lab-based course).

Amazon review of note:

3 out of 5 star.  Great product, poor packaging.

I purchased this product 4.47 billion years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.

UFO-01 Detector – $149.95

When the tinfoil hats just aren’t enough to deter and preempt UFO invasions, you’ll need, the 01 detector!  Made of overpriced hardware found at Radio Shack, this cutting-edge detector will not only emit a flashing LED but will also beep when electromagnetic and magnetic disturbances are detected.  With a low price of $149.95, what more can you ask for?  (Tinfoil hats and probing prevention plugs not included).

Amazon review of note:

1 out of 5 stars. Been abducted twice!!

After my first abduction I sought out to arm myself with something that would prevent this from happening to me again. Alas, the UFO Detector.

Since then my microwave, TV, radio, and cellphone have been causing the device to alarm several times, sending me in a state of panic where I’d hide under my bed for days. Next time it went off it was no false alarm. And I was, again, on board an alien vessle with probes hanging from every opening of my body.

I’d guess that for this “Detector” to work you’d need to be in an environment free from all electrical interferences. Above all, I DO NOT recommend this product.

Energy Drink Blood Energy Potion $5.23

Get real blood nutrients without that real blood taste!  The fruit punch flavor packs 4 hours of energy along with iron, protein, and electrolytes.  Because drinking regular fruit punch is so 1992.  Also available in packs of 3.  Supposedly taste like crap. But you know, it’s cool.  Or something.

Amazon review of note:

3 out of 5 stars. Kinda smells funny.

The product doesn’t taste great but I was buying it as more of a novelty. It smells like cherry yogurt and while I like cherry yogurt, I don’t like my drinks to smell like it :)

Bottom line, this is a fun product to share with friends during a vampire movie marathon. If you need energy, get a Red Bull…

Wheelmate Steering Wheel Desk Tray $24.23

Instant ergonomic desk, store easily under or behind car seat, measures about 9 x 15 inches, this is the ultimate “before I die in a horrible car crash, I’d like to have breakfast” tool.  Check out corresponding “customer images” for relevant usage aftermath scenarios.

Amazon review of note:

4 out of 5 stars.  These worked great in the cockpit for our transcontinental flights!

My copilot and I both used these during our “daily grind” transcontinental flights from San Diego to Minneapolis. We had to modify them a bit to fit snug against the instrument panels (when we bought them we didn’t realize the planes we fly don’t have steering wheels!), but in the end it did the job. With our laptops firmly in place we were able to focus our attention on what really mattered, participating in raids with our WoW clan. During our last flight we were so immersed in trying to take down Eranikus that we overshot Minneapolis by a full hour and a half before some annoying flight attendant interrupted us, babbling something about “FAA and F16 fighters.”

We’ll definitely use this product again at our next gig, whatever and whenever that happens to be…

Highly recommended!

One-Pound Fat Replica – $33.30

Because real fat isn’t gross enough, you can purchase and enjoy a similar gross experience with this 1 lb. replica of fat.  Made of pliable, long-lasting vinyl plastic. Show it to a patient after liposuction!  Grasp it in your hand as you scream at a McDonalds employee: “look what you’ve made me become!”  The possibilities are endless.

Amazon review of note:

2 out of 5 stars. Not as impressed as I’d thought I’d be.

I purchased a one-pound fat replica AND a one-pound muscle replica. I truly thought that the differences in the sizing would be more pronounced. I gotta tell you, I really don’t see that much of a difference. Theoretically, if you formed the fat into the same shape as the muscle, I’m even less impressed. Maybe these items would be good for someone in the medical field, but I just purchased them for a weight loss motivational factor – gotta tell ya – not a real motivator. I wouldn’t purchase again.

Wolf Urine, 32 oz – $31.95

Use the 100 percent urine lures to create the illusion predators are present in the area you wish. Great for photographers, gardeners, hunters and wildlife enthusiasts. Unfortunately if you live in California, you wouldn’t be able to purchase this awesome bucket of uh, wolf urine. Due to changes in shipping regulations or some sort.  Damn government, always preventing us from buying our wolf urines.

Amazon review of note:

4 out of 5 stars. One for the cellar.

One is immediately drawn to this vintage by the colour, which is an elegant, pale straw hue with an appealing peachy fruit on the nose. It has an incredibly effervescent bead — the whole glass teams with bubbles — culminating in a frothy layer at the head.

The palate has panache, with a firm, mineral acidity that cuts through a rather elegantly styled, poised meaty presence. As with most Chateau Deerbuster products, this has the signature leafy-fresh character, which softens into a slight rancid feel towards the end.

Even though it has a rather short and crisply defined finish, I still believe this has the composition and acidity to age well in the cellar of any self-respecting urine connoisseur.

Fred and Friends Air Fork One – $10.00

Now you can have the accompanied imagery as you tried to shove food down your child’s throat.  This particular utensil probably can’t be classed as “weird crap” though… as $10 is probably a cheap price to pay for peace and quiet at the dinner table or for those particularly fussy eaters that needs more of a nudge.

Amazon review of note:

My most beautiful friend Amy C. gave this to me today after seeing my link to this from FB indicating that “I WANT THIS.” Isn’t that great? I assumed that you had to insert your own fork, but there’s a full-sized fork inside already. The silicone rubber plane is soft and the wings and tail are pliable. It’s so cute and I’m about to eat lunch with it right now!

Inflatable Toast – $2.99

Toast is great, but its hard to keep in your pocket. So what do you do when you crave the warm comfort of toast but dont want to deal with the crumbs? You pull out your Inflatable Toast, blow it up and admire its realistic toasty goodness! Each soft vinyl slice of toast is 6 inches tall and has a standard inflation valve.

Amazon review of note:

5 out of 5 stars. Best inflatable toast on the market today.

I have used many different types of inflatable toast an I can say without question that this is the best inflatable toast out there. The toast inflates quickly and with ease..this is important when I am pressed for time and need inflatable toast at a moments notice. If you are like me and can’t be without a high quality inflatable toast, THIS is the one for you!

JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank – $19,999.95

You’ve probably seen this before, but the Badonkadonk is still chugging away on Amazon.com, for a low price of 20K.  It features the capability of carrying cargo or crew of up to five (more like 5 people of little people stature); 6hp tecumseh gasoline engine to propel you at the top speed of 40 mph (which may take about 5 hours to reach top speed); and you get a 400 watt premium sound with PA system with “plush interior” — because let’s face it, if you can’t travel with comfort in a homemade tank, why bother?

Amazon review of note:

1 out of 5 stars. Easily blown to kingdom come.

I am an acquisitions officer for an artillery unit in the Russian Army. Since mafia hooligans stole all of our equipment to sell to Kyrgyzstani rebels, we have been looking for a low-cost alternative to the T-80 Main Battle Tank. After successful trials at a facility in Moscow, this so-called “Badonkadonk” was approved for use in the Chechen theatre. Initial reports were favorable, but then somebody noticed that the tank lacked a cannon, treads, and armor, and possessed the engine of an electric bicycle. It did, however, have an excellent audio system, but this failed to compensate for its disappointing 100% mortality rate. Recommended only for use against Lithuanians.