Mmm… it’s almost Black Friday, and you know what that means — it’s make or break time for retailers. With news of consumer spending dropping a full 1% in October, consumers should more than ever be out at the retail stores, saving the economy from the brinks of utter collapse.

Unfortunately for my local retailers, I’ll be doing what I’ve always been doing for the past few years on Black Friday: staying at home, eating leftovers, and sleeping in. Super sweet.

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Blasted Cap. Always a cheap ass and never a generous spender. The economy could be falling apart and Cap will be at home, wrapped in a blanket while eating Cap’n Crunch cereal (it’s getting chilly in Southern California, temperature hitting low 60s).

It’s not my fault, honest.

I mean, I would love to go out there, make my dollars work and save Circuity City from the sorrowing abyss of pink sheets hell; but alas, I have no one to buy gifts for.

As much as I like to tout about friends and family in recent days, truth be told, I’ve done enough damage through the years and have driven away many people.

And there you have it, Cap’s secret sauce to keeping spending in check during the holidays: piss off your friends and loved ones so you don’t have to buy gifts for any of them.

Haha. I’m just kidding.

…or am I?

top photo credit: J. McPherson